第4章

Six Ways to Make People Like You 让别人喜欢你的六种方法

1 Do This and You'll Be Welcome Anywhere

Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn't want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn't want to marry you.

Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.

When I was five years old, my father bought a yellow-haired pup for fifty cents. He was the light and joy of my childhood. Every afternoon about four-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his beautiful eyes staring steadfastly at the path, and as soon as he heard my voice or saw me swinging my dinner pail through the buck brush, he was off like a shot, racing breathlessly up the hill to greet me with leaps of joy and barks of sheer ecstasy. Tippy was my constant companion for five years. Then one tragic night—I shall never forget it—he was killed within ten feet of my head, killed by lightning. Tippy's death was the tragedy of my boyhood.

You never read a book on psychology, Tippy. You didn't need to. You knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Let me repeat that. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying to wigwag other people into becoming interested in them. Of course, it doesn't work. People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner. The New York Telephone Company made a derailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used. You have guessed it: it is the personal pronoun “I.”“I.”“I.”It was used 3900 times in 500 telephone conversations. “I.”“I.”“I.”“I.”When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first? If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.

Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says, “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”

You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming across a statement more significant for you and for me. Adler's statement is so rich with meaning that I am going to repeat it in italices:It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.I once took a course in short-story writing at New York University, and during that course the editor of a leading magazine talked to our class. He said he could pick up any one of the dozens of stories that drifted across his desk every day and after reading a few paragraphs he could feel whether or not the author liked people. “If the author doesn't like people,” he said, “people won't like his or her stories.”This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on fiction writing and apologized for preaching a sermon. “I am telling you,” he said, “the same things your preacher would tell you, but remember, you have to be interested in people if you want to be a successful writer of stories.”

If that is true of writing fiction, you can be sure it is true of dealing with people face-to-face.

I spent an evening in the dressing room of Howard Thurston the last time he appeared on Broadway—Thurston was the acknowledged dean of magicians. For forty years he had traveled all over the world, time and again, creating illusions, mystifying audiences, and making people gasp with astonishment. More than 60 million people had paid admission to his show, and he had made almost $2 million in profit.

I asked Mr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success. His schooling certainly had nothing to do with it, for he ran away from home as a small boy, became a hobo, rode in boxcars, slept in haystacks, begged his food from door to door, and learned to read by looking out of boxcars at signs along the railway.

Did he have a superior knowledge of magic? No, he told me hundreds of books had been written about legerdemain and scores of people knew as much about it as he did. But he had two things that the others didn't have. First, he had the ability to put his personality across the footlights. He was a master showman. He knew human nature. Everything he did, every gesture, every intonation of his voice, every lifting of an eyebrow had been carefully rehearsed in advance, and his actions were timed to split seconds. But, in addition to that, Thurston had a genuine interest in people. He told me that many magicians would look at the audience and say to themselves, “Well, there is a bunch of suckers out there, a bunch of hicks; I'll fool them all right.”But Thurston's method was totally different. He told me that every time he went on stage he said to himself, “I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I'm going to give them the very best I possibly can.”

He declared he never stepped in front of the footlights without first saying to himself over and over,“I love my audience. I love my audience.”Ridiculous? Absurd? You are privileged to think anything you like. I am merely passing it on to you without comment as a recipe used by one of the most famous magicians of all time.

George Dyke of North Warren, Pennsylvania, was forced to retire from his service station business after thirty years when a new highway was constructed over the site of his station. It wasn't long before the idle days of retirement began to bore him, so he started filling in his time trying to play music on his old fiddle. Soon he was traveling the area to listen to music and talk with many of the accomplished fiddlers. In his humble and friendly way he became generally interested in learning the background and interests of every musician he met. Although he was not a great fiddler himself, he made many friends in this pursuit. He attended competitions and soon became known to the country music fans in the eastern part of the United States as “Uncle George, the Fiddle Scraper from Kinzua County.”When we heard Uncle George, he was seventy-two and enjoying every minute of his life. By having a sustained interest in other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most people consider their productive years over.

That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt's astonishing popularity. Even his servants loved him.His valet, James E.Amos, wrote a book about him entitled Theodore Roosevelt, Hero to His Valet.In that book Amos relates this illuminating incident：

My wife one time asked the President about a bobwhite. She had never seen one and he described it to her fully. Sometime later, the telephone at our cottage rang. ［Amos and his wife lived in a little cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay. ］My wife answered it and it was Mr. Roosevelt himself. He had called her, he said, to tell her that there was a bobwhite outside her window and that if she would look out she might see it. Little things like that were so characteristic of him. Whenever he went by our cottage, even though we were out of sight, we would hear him call out, “Oo-oo-oo, Annie?” or “Oo-oo-oo, James!” It was just a friendly greeting as he went by.

How could employees keep from liking a man like that? How could anyone keep from liking him?

Roosevelt called at the White House one day when the President and Mrs. Taft were away. His honest liking for humble people was shown by the fact that he greeted all the old White House servants by name, even the scullery maids.

“When he saw Alice, the kitchen maid,” writes Archie Butt, “he asked her if she still made corn bread. Alice told him that she sometimes made it for the servants, but no one ate it upstairs.

“‘they show bad taste, 'Roosevelt boomed, ‘and I'll tell the President so when I see him.'”

“Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and he went over to the office eating it as he went and greeting gardeners and laborers as he passed...

“He addressed each person just as he had addressed them in the past. Ike Hoover, who had been head usher at the White House for forty years, said with tears in his eyes, ‘It is the only happy day we had in nearly two years, and not one of us would exchange it for a hundred-dollar bill.'”

The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped sales representative Edward M. Sykes, Jr. , of Chatham, New Jersey, retain an account. “Many years ago,” he reported, “I called on customers for Johnson and Johnson in the Massachusetts area. One account was a drugstore in Hingham. Whenever I went into this store I would always talk to the soda clerk and sales clerk for a few minutes before talking to the owner to obtain his order. One day I went up to the owner of the store, and he told me to leave as he was not interested in buying J&J products anymore because he felt they were concentrating their activities on food and discount stores to the detriment of the small drugstore. I left with my tail between my legs and drove around the town for several hours. Finally, I decided to go back and try at least to explain our position to the owner of the store.

“When I returned I walked in and as usual said hello to the soda clerk and sales clerk. When I walked up to the owner, he smiled at me and welcomed me back. He then gave me double the usual order. I looked at him with surprise and asked him what had happened since my visit only a few hours earlier. He pointed to the young man at the soda fountain and said that after I had left, the boy had come over and said that I was one of the few salespeople that called on the store that even bothered to say hello to him and to the others in the store. He told the owner that if any salesperson deserved his business, it was I. The owner agreed and remained a loyal customer. Inever forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess—for any person, for that matter.”

I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. Let me illustrate.

Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at the Brooklyn Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and busy authors as Kathleen Norris, Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert Payson Terhune and Rupert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us the benefit of their experiences. So we wrote them, saying we admired their work and were deeply interested in getting their advice and learning the secrets of their success.

Each of these letters was signed by about a hundred and fifty students. We said we realized that these authors were busy—too busy to prepare a lecture. So we enclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and their methods of work. They liked that. Who wouldn't like it? So they left their homes and traveled to Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.

By using the same method, I persuaded Leslie M. Shaw, secretary of the treasury in Theodore Roosevelt's cabinet; George W. Wickersham, attorney general in Taft's cabinet; William Jennings Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt and many other prominent men to come to talk to the students of my courses in public speaking.

All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne—all of us like people who admire us. Take the German Kaiser, for example. At the close of World War I he was probably the most savagely and universally despised man on this earth. Even his own nation turned against him when he fled over into Holland to save his neck. The hatred against him was so intense that millions of people would have loved to tear him limb from limb or burn him at the stake. In the midst of all this forest fire of fury, one little boy wrote the Kaiser a simple, sincere letter glowing with kindliness and admiration. This little boy said that no matter what the others thought, he would always love Wilhelm as his Emperor. The Kaiser was deeply touched by his letter and invited the little boy to come to see him. The boy came, so did his mother—and the Kaiser married her. That little boy didn't need to read a book on how to win friends and influence people. He knew how instinctively.

If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started out on that tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could make public talks in the language of the country; and the South Americans loved him for it.

For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends. How? Although I haven't the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of one's birth has anything to do with character and disposition. I then asked him or her to tell me the month and day of birth. If he or she said November 24, for example, I kept repeating to myself,“November 24, November 24.”The minute my friend's back was turned, I wrote down the name and birthday and later would transfer it to a birthday book. At the beginning of each year, I had these birthday dates scheduled in my calendar pad so that they came to my attention automatically. When the natal day arrived, there was my letter or telegram. What a hit it made! I was frequently the only person on earth who remembered.

If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello”in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let's remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company. In an issue of the publication of the National Bank of North America of New York, the following letter from Madeline Rosedal, a depositor, was published：

“I would like you to know how much I appreciate your staff. Everyone is so courteous, polite and helpful. What a pleasure it is, after waiting on a long line, to have the teller greet you pleasantly.

“Last year my mother was hospitalized for five months. Frequently I went to Marie Petrucello, a teller. She was concerned about my mother and inquired about her progress.”

Is there any doubt that Mrs. Rosedale will continue to use this bank?

Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was assigned to prepare a confidential report on a certain corporation. He knew of only one person who possessed the facts he needed so urgently. As Mr. Walters was ushered into the president's office, a young woman stuck her head through a door and told the president that she didn't have any stamps for him that day.

“I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,” the president explained to Mr. Walters.

Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions. The president was vague, general, nebulous. He didn't want to talk, and apparently nothing could persuade him to talk. The interview was brief and barren.

“Frankly, I didn't know what to do,” Mr. Walters said as he related the story to the class. “Then I remembered what his secretary had said to him—stamps, twelve-year-old son...And I also recalled that the foreign department of our bank collected stamps—stamps taken from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven seas.

“The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in word that I had some stamps for his boy. Was I ushered in with enthusiasm? Yes sir, He couldn't have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had been running for Congress. He radiated smiles and good will. ‘My George will love this one, ' he kept saying as he fondled the stamps. ‘And look at this! This is a treasure.’

“We spent half an hour talking stamps and looking at a picture of his boy, and he then devoted more than an hour of his time to giving me every bit of information I wanted—without my even suggesting that he do it. He told me all he knew, and then called in his subordinates and questioned them. He telephoned some of his associates. He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports and correspondence. In the parlance of newspaper reporters, I had a scoop.”

Here is another illustration：

C. M. Knaphle, Jr. of Philadelphia had tried for years to sell fuel to a large chain-store organization. But the chain-store company continued to purchase its fuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door of Knaphle's office. Mr. Knaphle made a speech one night before one of my classes, pouring out his hot wrath upon chain stores, branding them as a curse to the nation. And still he wondered why he couldn't sell them. I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it briefly, this is what happened. We staged a debate between members of the course on whether the spread of the chain stores is doing the country more harm than good.

Knaphle, at my suggestion, took the negative side; he agreed to defend the chain stores, and then went straight to an executive of the chain-store organization that he despised and said, “I am not here to try to sell fuel. I have come to ask you to do me a favor.”He then told about his debate and said, “I have come to you for help because I can't think of anyone else who would be more capable of giving me the facts I want. I'm anxious to win this debate, and I'll deeply appreciate whatever help you can give me.”

Here is the rest of the story in Mr. Knaphle's own words：

I had asked this man for precisely one minute of his time. It was with that understanding that he consented to see me. After I had stated my case, he motioned me to a chair and talked to me for exactly one hour and forty-seven minutes. He called in another executive who had written a book on chain stores. He wrote to the National Chain Store Association and secured for me a copy of a debate on the subject. He feels that the chain store is rendering a real service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for hundreds of communities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never even dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude.

As I was leaving, he walked with me to the door, put his arm around my shoulder, wished me well in my debate, and asked me to stop in and see him again and let him know how I made out. The last words he said to me were, “Please see me again later in the spring. I should like to place an order with you for fuel.”

To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering to buy fuel without my even suggesting it. I had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in me and my product.

You didn't discover a new truth, Mr. Knaphle, for a long time ago, a hundred years before Christ was born, a famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”

A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street—both parties benefit.

Martin Ginsberg, who took our course in Long Island, New York, reported how the special interest a nurse took in him profoundly affected his life：

“It was Thanksgiving Day and I was ten years old. I was in a welfare ward of a city hospital and was scheduled to undergo major orthopedic surgery the next day. I knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement, convalescence and pain. My father was dead; my mother and I lived alone in a small apartment and we were on welfare. My mother was unable to visit me that day.

“As the day went on, I became overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness, despair and fear. I knew my mother was home alone worrying about me, not having anyone to be with, not having anyone to eat with and not even having enough money to afford a Thanksgiving Day dinner.

“The tears welled up in my eyes, and I stuck my head under the pillow and pulled the covers over it. I cried silently, but oh so bitterly, so much that my body racked with pain.

“A young student nurse heard my sobbing and came over to me. She took the covers off my face and started wiping my tears. She told me how lonely she was, having to work that day and not being able to be with her family. She asked me whether I would have dinner with her. She brought two trays of food:sliced turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and ice cream for dessert. She talked to me and tried to calm my fears. Even though she was scheduled to go off duty at 4 P. M. , she stayed on her own time until almost 11 P. M. She played games with me, talked to me and stayed with me until I finally fell asleep.

“Many Thanksgivings have come and gone since I was ten, but one never passes without me remembering that particular one and my feelings of frustration, fear, loneliness and the warmth and tenderness of the stranger that somehow made it all bearable.”

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind：

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

2 A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

At a dinner party in New York, one of the guests, a woman who had inherited money, was eager to make a pleasing impression on everyone. She had squandered a modest fortune on sables, diamonds and pearls. But she hadn't done anything whatever about her face. It radiated sourness and selfishness. She didn't realize what everyone knows: namely, that the expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.

Charles Schwab told me his smile had been worth a million dollars. And he was probably understating the truth. For Schwab's personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating smile.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.

A baby's smile has the same effect.

Have you ever been in a doctor's waiting room and looked around at all the glum faces waiting impatiently to be seen? Dr. Stephen K. Sproul, a veterinarian in Raytown, Missouri, told of a typical spring day when his waiting room was full of clients waiting to have their pets inoculated. No one was talking to anyone else, and all were probably thinking of a dozen other things they would rather be doing than “wasting time”sitting in that office. He told one of our classes: “There were six or seven clients waiting when a young woman came in with a nine-month-old baby and a kitten. As luck would have it, she sat down next to a gentleman who was more than a little distraught about the long wait for service. The next thing he knew, the baby just looked up at him with that great big smile that is so characteristic of babies. What did that gentleman do? Just what you and I would do, of course;he smiled back at the baby. Soon he struck up a conversation with the woman about her baby and his grandchildren, and soon the entire reception room joined in, and the boredom and tension were converted into a pleasant and enjoyable experience.”

An insincere grin? No. That doesn't fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.

Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. “People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There's far more information in a smile than a flown. That's why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”

The employment manager of a large New York department store told me she would rather hire a sales clerk who hadn't finished grade school, if he or she has a pleasant smile, than to hire a doctor of philosophy with a somber face.

The effect of a smile is powerful—even when it is unseen. Telephone companies throughout the United States have a program called “phone power”which is offered to employees who use the telephone for selling their services or products. In this program they suggest that you smile when talking on the phone. Your “smile”comes through in your voice.

The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber companies in the United States told me that, according to his observations, people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it. This industrial leader doesn't put much faith in the old adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door to our desires, “I have known people,” he said, “who succeeded because they had a rip-roaring good time conducting their business. Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work. The business had grown dull. They lost all joy in it, and they failed.”

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

I have asked thousands of business people to smile at someone every hour of the day for a week and then come to class and talk about the results. How did it work? Let's see...Here is a letter from William B. Steinhardt, a New York stockbroker. His case isn't isolated. In fact, it is typical of hundreds of cases.

“I have been married for over eighteen years,” wrote Mr. Steinhardt, “and in all that time I seldom smiled at my wife or spoke two dozen words to her from the time I got up until I was ready to leave for business. I was one of the worst grouches who ever walked down groadway.

“When you asked me to make a talk about my experience with smiles, I thought I would try it for a week. So the next morning, while combing my hair, I looked at my glum mug in the mirror and said to myself, ‘Bill, you are going to wipe the scowl off that sour puss of yours today. You are going to smile. And you are going to begin right now.'As I sat down to breakfast, I greeted my wife with a ‘Good morning, my dear, 'and smiled as I said it.

“You warned me that she might be surprised. Well, you underestimated her reaction. She was bewildered. She was shocked. I told her that in the future she could expect this as a regular occurrence, and I kept it up every morning.

“This changed attitude of mine brought more happiness into our home in the two months since I started than there was during the last year.

“As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the apartment house with a‘Good morning'and a smile, I greet the doorman with a smile. I smile at the cashier in the subway booth when I ask for change. As I stand on the floor of the Stock Exchange, I smile at people who until recently never saw me smile.

“I soon found that everybody was smiling back at me. I treat those who come to me with complaints or grievances in a cheerful manner, I smile as I listen to them and I find that adjustments are accomplished much easier. I find that smiles are bringing me dollars, many dollars every day.

“I share my office with another broker. One of his clerks is a likable young chap, and I was so elated about the results I was getting that I told him recently about my new philosophy of human relations. He then confessed that when I first came to share my office with his firm he thought me a terrible grouch—and only recently changed his mind. He said I was really human when I smiled.

“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person's viewpoint. And these things have literally revolutionized my life. I am a totally different man, a happier man, a richer man, richer in friendships and happiness—the only things that matter much after all.”

You don't feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it：

“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

“Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there ....”

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money and prestige—and yet one may be miserable and the other happy. Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air-conditioned offices in New York, Chicago or Los Angeles.

“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.”

Abe Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”He was right. I saw a vivid illustration of that truth as I was walking up the stairs of the Long Island Railroad station in New York. Directly in front of me thirty or forty crippled boys on canes and crutches were struggling up the stairs. One boy had to be carried up. I was astonished at their laughter and gaiety. I spoke about it to one of the men in charge of the boys. “Oh, yes,” he said, “when a boy realizes that he is going to be a cripple for life, he is shocked at first; but after he gets over the shock, he usually resigns himself to his fate and then becomes as happy as normal boys.”

I felt like taking my hat off to those boys. They taught me a lesson I hope I shall never forget.

Working all by oneself in a closed-off room in an office not only is lonely, but it denies one the opportunity of making friends with other employees in the company. Senora Maria Gonzalez of Guadalajara, Mexico, had such a job. She envied the shared comradeship of other people in the company as she heard their chatter and laughter. As she passed them in the hall during the first weeks of her employment, she shyly looked the other way.

After a few weeks, she said to herself, “Maria, you can't expect those women to come to you. You have to go out and meet them.”The next time she walked to the water cooler, she put on her brightest smile and said“Hi, how are you today”to each of the people she met. The effect was mediate. Smiles and hellos were returned, the hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier. Acquaintanceships developed and some ripened into friendships. Her job and her life became more pleasant and interesting.

Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher Elbert Hubbard—but remember, perusing it won't do you any good unless you apply it：

Whenever you go out- of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual .... Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude—the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.

The ancient Chinese were a wise lot—wise in the ways of the world; and they had a proverb that you and I ought to cut out and paste inside our hats. It goes like this: “A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”

Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless—that there is joy in the world.

Some years ago, a department store in New York City, in recognition of the pressures its sales clerks were under during the Christmas rush, presented the readers of its advertisements with the following homely philosophy：

The Value of a Smile at Christmas

It costs nothing, but creates much.

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.

It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever，

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.

It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature's best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours?

For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

Principle 2: Smile.

3 If You Don't Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

Back in 1898, a tragic thing happened in Rockland County, New York. A child had died, and on this particular day the neighbors were preparing to go to the funeral. Jim Farley went out to the barn to hitch up his horse. The ground was covered with snow, the air was cold and snappy; the horse hadn't been exercised for days; and as he was led out to the watering trough, he wheeled playfully, kicked both his heels high in the air, and killed Jim Farley. So the little village of Stony Point had two funerals that week instead of one.

Jim Farley left behind him a widow and three boys, and a few hundred dollars in insurance.

His oldest boy, Jim, was ten, and he went to work in a brickyard, wheeling sand and pouring it into the molds and turning the brick on edge to be dried by the sun. This boy Jim never had a chance to get much education. But with his natural geniality, he had a flair for making people like him, so he went into politics, and as the years went by, he developed an uncanny ability for remembering people's names.

He never saw the inside of a high school; but before he was forty-six years of age, four colleges had honored him with degrees and he had become chairman of the Democratic National Committee and Postmaster General of the United States.

I once interviewed Jim Farley and asked him the secret of his success. He said, “Hard work,” and I said, “Don't be funny.”

He then asked me what I thought was the reason for his success. I replied, “I understand you can call ten thousand people by their first names.”

“No. You are wrong,” he said. “I can call fifty thousand people by their first names.”

Make no mistake about it. That ability helped Mr. Farley put Franklin D. Roosevelt in the White House when he managed Roosevelt's campaign in 1932.

During the years that Jim Farley traveled as a salesman for a gypsum concern, and during the years that he held office as town clerk in Stony Point, he built up a system for remembering names.

In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard. No wonder he developed a following!

For months before Roosevelt's campaign for President began, Jim Farley wrote hundreds of letters a day to people all over the western and northwestern states. Then he hopped onto a train and in nineteen days covered twenty states and twelve thousand miles, traveling by buggy, train, automobile and boat. He would drop into town, meet his people at lunch or breakfast, tea or dinner, and give them a “heart-to-heart talk.”Then he'd dash off again on another leg of his journey.

As soon as he arrived back East, he wrote to one person in each town he had visited, asking for a list of all the guests to whom he had talked. The final list contained thousands and thousands of names; yet each person on that list was paid the subtle flattery of getting a personal letter from James Farley. These letters began “Dear Bill”or “Dear Jane,” and they were always signed “Jim.”

Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it—and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage. For example, I once organized a public-speaking course in Paris and sent off letters to all the American residents in the city. French typists with apparently little knowledge of English filled in the names and naturally they made blunders. One man, the manager of a large American bank in Paris, wrote me a scathing rebuke because his name had been misspelled.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard to pronounce. Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname. Sid Levy called on a customer for some time whose name was Nicodemus Papadoulos. Most people just called him “Nick.”Levy told us, “I made a special effort to say his name over several times to myself before I made my call. When I greeted him by his full name, ‘Good afternoon, Mr. Nicodemus Papadoulos, ' he was shocked. For what seemed like several minutes there was no reply from him at all. Finally, he said with tears rolling down his cheeks, ‘Mr. Levy, in all the fifteen years I have been in this country, nobody has ever made the effort to call me by my right name.'”

What was the reason for Andrew Carnegie's success?

He was called the Steel King; yet he himself knew little about the manufacture of steel. He had hundreds of people working for him who knew far more about steel than he did.

But he knew how to handle people, and that is what made him rich. Early in life, he showed a flair for organization, a genius for leadership. By the time he was ten, he too had discovered the astounding importance people place on their own name. And he used that discovery to win cooperation. To illustrate: When he was a boy back in Scotland, he got hold of a rabbit, a mother rabbit. Presto! He soon had a whole nest of little rabbits—and nothing to feed them. But he had a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the bunnies in their honor.

The plan worked like magic, and Carnegie never forgot it.Years later, he made millions by using the same psychology in business. For example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad. J. Edgar Thomson was the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad then. So Andrew Carnegie built a huge steel mill in Pittsburgh and called it the “Edgar Thomson Steel Works.”

Here is a riddle. See if you can guess it. When the Pennsylvania Railroad needed steel rails, where do you suppose J. Edgar Thomson bought them? From Sears, Roebuck? No. No. You're wrong. Guess again.

When Carnegie and George Pullman were battling each other for supremacy in the railroad sleeping-car business, the Steel King again remembered the lesson of the rabbits.

The Central Transportation Company, which Andrew Carnegie controlled, was fighting with the company that Pullman owned. Both were struggling to get the sleeping-car business of the Union Pacific Railroad, bucking each other, slashing prices, and destroying all chance of profit. Both Carnegie and Pullman had gone to New York to see the board of directors of the Union Pacific. Meeting one evening in the St. Nicholas Hotel, Carnegie said, “Good evening, Mr. Pullman, aren't we making a couple of fools of ourselves?”

“What do you mean?” Pullman demanded.

Then Carnegie expressed what he had on his mind—a merger of their two interests. He pictured in glowing terms the mutual advantages of working with, instead of against, each other. Pullman listened attentively, but he was not wholly convinced. Finally he asked, “What would you call the new company?” and Carnegie replied promptly, “Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of course.”

Pullman's face brightened. “Come into my room,” he said. “Let's talk it over.”That talk made industrial history.

This policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie's leadership. He was proud of the fact that he could call many of his factory workers by their first names, and he boasted that while he was personally in charge, no strike ever disturbed his flaming steel mills.

Benton Love, chairman of Texas Commerce Bankshares, believes that the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. “One way to warm it up,” he said, “is to remember people's names.”

Karen Kirsech of Rancho Palos Verdes, California, a flight attendant for TWA, made it a practice to learn the names of as many passengers in her cabin as possible and use the name when serving them. This resulted in many compliments on her service expressed both to her directly and to the airline. One passenger wrote: “I haven't flown TWA for some time, but I'm going to start flying nothing but TWA from now on. You make me feel that your airline has become a very personalized airline and that is important to me.”

People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost. Even blustering, hardboiled old P. T. Barnum, the greatest showman of his time, disappointed because he had no sons to carry on his name, offered his grandson, C. H. Seeley, $25,000 if he would call himself “Barnum”Seeley.

For many centuries, nobles and magnates supported artists, musicians and authors so that their creative works would be dedicated to them.

Libraries and museums owe their richest collections to people who cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory of the race. The New York Public Library has its Astor and Lenox collections. The Metropolitan Museum perpetuates the names of Benjamin Altman and J. P. Morgan. And nearly every church is beautiful by stained-glass windows commemorating the names of their donors. Many of the buildings on the campus of most universities bear the names of donors who contributed large sums of money for this honor.

Most people don't remember names, for the simple reason that they don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy.

But they were probably no busier than Franklin D. Roosevelt, and he took time to remember and recall even the names of mechanics with whom he came into contact.

To illustrate: The Chrysler organization built a special car for Mr. Roosevelt, who could not use a standard car because his legs were paralyzed. W. F. Chamberlain and a mechanic delivered it to the White House. I have in front of me a letter from Mr. Chamberlain relating his experiences. “I taught President Roosevelt how to handle a car with a lot of unusual gadgets, but he taught me a lot about the fine art of handling people.

“When I called at the White House,” Mr. Chamberlain writes, “the President was extremely pleasant and cheerful. He called me by name, made me feel very comfortable, and particularly impressed me with the fact that he was vitally interested in things I had to show him and tell him. The car was so designed that it could be operated entirely by hand. A crowd gathered around to look at the car; and he remarked, ‘I think it is marvelous. All you have to do is to touch a button and it moves away and you can drive it without effort. I think it is grand—I don't know what makes it go. I'd love to have the time to tear it down and see how it works.’

“When Roosevelt's friends and associates admired the machine, he said in their presence: ‘Mr. Chamberlain, I certainly appreciate all the time and effort you have spent in developing this car. It is a mighty free job.'He admired the radiator, the special rear-vision mirror and clock, the special spotlight, the kind of upholstery, the sitting position of the driver's seat, the special suitcases in the trunk with his monogram on each suitcase. In other words, he took notice of every detail to which he knew I had given considerable thought. He made a point of bringing these various pieces of equipment to the attention of Mrs. Roosevelt, Miss Perkins, the Secretary of Labor, and his secretary. He even brought the old White House porter into the picture by saying, ‘George, you want to take particularly good care of the suitcases.’

“When the driving lesson was finished, the President turned to me and said, ‘Well, Mr. Chamberlain, I have been keeping the Federal reserve Board waiting thirty minutes. I guess I had better get back to work.’

“I took a mechanic with me to the White House. He was introduced to Roosevelt when he arrived. He didn't talk to the President, and Roosevelt heard his name only once. He was a shy chap, and he kept in the background. But before leaving us, the President looked for the mechanic, shook his hand, called him by name, and thanked him for coming to Washington. And there was nothing perfunctory about his thanks. He meant what he said. I could feel that.

“A few days after returning to New York, I got an autographed photograph of President Roosevelt and a little note of thanks again expressing his appreciation for my assistance. How he found time to do it is a mystery to me.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important—yet how many of us do it?

Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes and can't even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye.

One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: “To recall a voter's name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”

And the ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.

Napoleon the Third, Emperor of France and nephew of the great Napoleon, boasted that in spite of all his royal duties he could remember the name of every person he met.

His technique? Simple. If he didn't hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn't get the name clearly.”Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?”

During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person's features, expression and general appearance.

If the person was someone of importance, Napoleon went to even further pains. As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it, fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way, he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression.

All this takes time, but “Good manners,” said Emerson, “are made up of petty sacrifices.”

We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing...and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.

Principle 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

4 An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

Some time ago, I attended a bridge party. I don't play bridge—and there was a woman there who didn't play bridge either. She had discovered that I had once been Lowell Thomas' manager before he went on the radio and that I had traveled in Europe a great deal while helping him prepare the illustrated travel talks he was then delivering. So she said, “Oh, Mr. Carnegie, I do want you to tell me about all the wonderful places you have visited and the sights you have seen.”

As we sat down on the sofa, she remarked that she and her husband had recently returned from a trip to Africa. “Africa!” I exclaimed. “How interesting! I've always wanted to see Africa, but I never got there except for a twenty-four-hour stay once in Algiers. Tell me, did you visit the big-game country? Yes? How fortunate. I envy you. Do tell me about Africa.”

That kept her talking for forty-five minutes. She never again asked me where I had been or what I had seen. She didn't want to hear me talk about my travels. All she wanted was an interested listener, so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.

Was she unusual? No. Many people are like that.

For example, I met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party given by a New York book publisher. I had never talked with a botanist before, and I found him fascinating. I literally sat on the edge of my chair and listened while he spoke of exotic plants and experiments in developing new forms of plant life and indoor gardens （and even told me astonishing facts about the humble potato）. I had a small indoor garden of my own—and he was good enough to tell me how to solve some of my problems.

As I said, we were at a dinner party. There must have been a dozen other guests, but I violated all the canons of courtesy, ignored everyone else, and talked for hours to the botanist.

Midnight came, I said good night to everyone and departed. The botanist then turned to our host and paid me several flattering compliments. I was “most stimulating.”I was this and I was that, and he ended by saying I was a “most interesting conversationalist.”

An interesting conversationalist? Why, I had said hardly anything at all. I couldn't have said anything if I had wanted to without changing the subject, for I didn't know any more about botany than I knew about the anatomy of a penguin. But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. “Few human beings,” wrote Jack Woodford in Strangers in Love“few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.”I went even further than giving him rapt attention. I was “hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

I told him that I had been immensely entertained and instructed—and I had. I told him I wished I had his knowledge—and I did. I told him that I should love to wander the fields with him—and I have. I told him I must see him again—and I did.

And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.

What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful business interview? Well, according to former Harvard president Charles W. Eliot, “There is no mystery about successful business intercourse...Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”

Self-evident, isn't it? You don't have to study for four years in Harvard to discover that. Yet I know and you know department store owners who will rent expensive space, buy their goods economically, dress their windows appealingly, spend thousands of dollars in advertising and then hire clerks who haven't the sense to be good listeners—clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them, irritate them, and all but drive them from the store.

A department store in Chicago almost lost a regular customer who spent several thousand dollars each year in that store because a sales clerk wouldn't listen. Mrs. Henrietta Douglas, who took our course in Chicago, had purchased a coat at a special sale. After she had brought it home she noticed that there was a tear in the lining. She came back the next day and asked the sales clerk to exchange it. The clerk refused even to listen to her complaint. “You bought this at a special sale,” she said. She pointed to a sign on the wall. “Read that,” she exclaimed. “‘All sales are final.'Once you bought it, you have to keep it. Sew up the lining yourself.”

“But this was damaged merchandise,” Mrs. Douglas complained.

“Makes no difference,” the clerk interrupted. “Final's final.”

Mrs. Douglas was about to walk out indignantly, swearing never to return to that store ever, when she was greeted by the department manager, who knew her from her many years of patronage. Mrs. Douglas told her what had happened.

The manager listened attentively to the whole story, examined the coat and then said, “Special sales are‘final', so we can dispose of merchandise at the end of the season. But this ‘no return' policy does not apply to damaged goods. We will certainly repair or replace the lining, or if you prefer, give you your money back.”

What a difference in treatment! If that manager had not come along and listened to the customer, a long-term patron of that store could have been lost forever.

The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener—a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. To illustrate: The New York Telephone Company discovered a few years ago that it had to deal with one of the most vicious customers who ever cursed a customer service representative. And he did curse. He raved. He threatened to tear the phone out by its roots. He refused to pay certain charges that he declared were false. He wrote letters to the newspapers. He fried innumerable complaints with the Public Service Commission, and he started several suits against the telephone company.

At last, one of the company's most skillful “troubleshooters”was sent to interview this stormy petrel. This “troubleshooter”listened and let the cantankerous customer enjoy himself pouring out his tirade. The telephone representative listened and said “yes”and sympathized with his grievance.

“He raved on and I listened for nearly three hours,” the “troubleshooter”said as he related his experiences before one of the author's classes. “Then I went back and listened some more. I interviewed him four times, and before the fourth visit was over I had become a charter member of an organization he was starting. He called it the ‘Telephone Subscribers' Protective Association. I am still a member of this organization, and, so far as I know, I'm the only member in the world today besides Mr. —

“I listened and sympathized with him on every point that he made during these interviews. He had never had a telephone representative talk with him that way before, and he became almost friendly. The point on which I went to see him was not even mentioned on the first visit, nor was it mentioned on the second or third, but upon the fourth interview, I closed the case completely, he paid all his bills in full, and for the first time in the history of his difficulties with the telephone company he voluntarily withdrew his complaints from the Public Service Commission.”

Doubtless Mr.—had considered himself a holy crusader, defending the public rights against callous exploitation. But in reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air.

One morning years ago, an angry customer stormed into the office of Julian F. Detmer, founder of the Detmer Woolen Company, which later became the world's largest distributor of woolens to the tailoring trade.

“This man owed us a small sum of money,” Mr. Detmer explained to me “. The customer denied it, but we knew he was wrong. So our credit department had insisted that he pay. After getting a number of letters from our credit department, he packed his grip, made a trip to Chicago, and hurried into my office to inform me not only that he was not going to pay that bill, but that he was never going to buy another dollar's worth of goods from the Detmer Woolen Company.

“I listened patiently to all he had to say. I was tempted to interrupt, but I realized that would be bad policy. So I let him talk himself out. When he finally simmered down and got in a receptive mood, I said quietly, ‘I want to thank you for coming to Chicago to tell me about this. You have done me a great favor, for if our credit department has annoyed you, it may annoy other good customers, and that would be just too bad. Believe me, I am far more eager to hear this than you are to tell it.’

“That was the last thing in the world he expected me to say. I think he was a trifle disappointed, because he had come to Chicago to tell me a thing or two, but here I was thanking him instead of scrapping with him. I assured him we would wipe the charge off the books and forget it, because he was a very careful man with only one account to look after, while our clerks had to look after thousands. Therefore, he was less likely to be wrong than we were.

“I told him that I understood exactly how he felt and that, if I were in his shoes, I should undoubtedly feel precisely as he did. Since he wasn't going to buy from us anymore, I recommended some other woolen houses.

“In the past, we had usually lunched together when he came to Chicago, so I invited him to have lunch with me this day. He accepted reluctantly, but when we came back to the office he placed a larger order than ever before. He returned home in a softened mood and, wanting to be just as fair with us as we had been with him, looked over his bills, found one that had been mislaid, and sent us a check with his apologies.

“Later, when his wife presented him with a baby boy, he gave his son the middle name of Detmer, and he remained a friend and customer of the house until his death twenty-two years afterwards.”

Years ago, a poor Dutch immigrant boy washed the windows of a bakery shop after school to help support his family. His people were so poor that in addition he used to go out in the street with a basket every day and collect stray bits of coal that had fallen in the gutter where the coal wagons had delivered fuel. That boy, Edward Bok, never got more than six years of schooling in his life; yet eventually he made himself one of the most successful magazine editors in the history of American journalism. How did he do it? That is a long story, but how he got his start can be told briefly. He got his start by using the principles advocated in this chapter.

He left school when he was thirteen and became an office boy for Western Union, but he didn't for one moment give up the idea of an education. Instead, he started to educate himself. He saved his carfares and went without lunch until he had enough money to buy an encyclopedia of American biography—and then he did an unheard-of thing. He read the lives of famous people and wrote them asking for additional information about their childhoods. He was a good listener. He asked famous people to tell him more about themselves. He wrote General James A. Garfield, who was then running for President, and asked if it was true that he was once a tow boy on a canal; and Garfield replied.He wrote General Grant asking about a certain battle, and Grant drew a map for him and invited this fourteen-year-old boy to dinner and spent the evening talking to him.

Soon our Western Union messenger boy was corresponding with many of the most famous people in the nation: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Longfellow, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln, Louisa May Alcott, General Sherman and Jefferson Davis. Not only did he correspond with these distinguished people, but as soon as he got a vacation, he visited many of them as a welcome guest in their homes. This experience imbued him with a confidence that was invaluable. These men and women fired him with a vision and ambition that shaped his life. And all this, let me repeat, was made possible solely by the application of the principles we are discussing here.

Isaac F. Marcosson, a journalist who interviewed hundreds of celebrities, declared that many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don't listen attentively. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open ...Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.”

And not only important personages crave a good listener, but ordinary folk do too.As the Reader's Digest once said, “Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.”

During the darkest hours of the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to an old friend in Springfield, Illinois, asking him to come to Washington. Lincoln said he had some problems he wanted to discuss with him. The old neighbor called at the White House, and Lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability of issuing a proclamation freeing the slaves. Lincoln went over all the arguments for and against such a move, and then read letters and newspaper articles, some denouncing him for not freeing the slaves and others denouncing him for fear he was going to free them. After talking for hours, Lincoln shook hands with his old neighbor, said good night, and sent him back to Illinois without even asking for his opinion. Lincoln had done all the talking himself. That seemed to clarify his mind. “He seemed to feel easier after that talk,” the old friend said. Lincoln hadn't wanted advice. He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That's what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don't wait for him or her to finish, bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

Do you know people like that? I do, unfortunately; and the astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent.

Bores, that is all they are—bores intoxicated with their own egos, drunk with a sense of their own importance.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. And “those people who think only of themselves,” Dr. Nicholas Murray Butler, longtime president of Columbia University, said, “are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated,” said Dr. Butler, “no matter how instructed they may be.”

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person's toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one's neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5 How to Interest People

Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done? The answer was simple. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.

For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

The genial William Lyon Phelps, essayist and professor of literature at Yale, learned this lesson early in life.

“When I was eight years old and was spending a weekend visiting my Aunt Libby Linsley at her home in Stratford on the Housatonic,” he wrote in his essay on Human Nature, “a middle-aged man called one evening, and after a polite skirmish with my aunt, he devoted his attention to me. At that time, I happened to be excited about boats, and the visitor discussed the subject in a way that seemed to me particularly interesting. After he left, I spoke of him with enthusiasm. What a man! My aunt informed me he was a New York lawyer, that he cared nothing whatever about boats—that he took not the slightest interest in the subject. ‘But why then did he talk all the time about boats? ’

“‘Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.'”

And William Lyon Phelps added, “I never forgot my aunt's remark.”

As I write this chapter, I have before me a letter from Edward L. Chalif, who was active in Boy Scout work.

“One day I found I needed a favor,” wrote Mr. Chalif. “A big Scout jamboree was coming off in Europe, and I wanted the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay the expenses of one of my boys for the trip. Fortunately, just before I went to see this man, I heard that he had drawn a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed. So the first thing I did when I entered his office was to ask to see the check. A check for a million dollars! I told him I never knew that anybody had ever written such a check, and that I wanted to tell my boys that I had actually seen a check for a million dollars. He gladly showed it to me; I admired it and asked him to tell me all about how it happened to be drawn.”

You notice, don't you, that Mr. Chalif didn't begin by talking about the Buy Scouts, or the jamboree in Europe, or what it was he wanted? He talked in terms of what interested the other man. Here's the result：

“Presently, the man I was interviewing said, ‘Oh, by the way, what was it you wanted to see me about? 'So I told him.

“To my vast surprise,” Mr. Chalif continues, “he not only granted immediately what I asked for, but much more. I had asked him to send only one boy to Europe, but he sent five boys and myself, gave me a letter of credit for a thousand dollars and told us to stay in Europe for seven weeks. He also gave me letters of introduction to his branch presidents, putting them at our service, and he himself met us in Paris and showed us the town. Since then, he has given jobs to some of the boys whose parents were in want, and he is still active in our group.

“Yet I know if I hadn't found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn't have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.”

Is this a valuable technique to use in business? Is it? Let's see. Take Henry G. Duvernoy of Duvernoy and Sons, a wholesale baking firm in New York.

Mr. Duvernoy had been trying to sell bread to a certain New York hotel. He had called on the manager every week for four years. He went to the same social affairs the manager attended. He even took rooms in the hotel and lived there in order to get the business. But he failed.

“Then,” said Mr. Duvernoy, “after studying human relations, I resolved to change my tactics. I decided to find out what interested this man—what caught his enthusiasm.

“I discovered he belonged to a society of hotel executives called the Hotel Greeters of America. He not only belonged, but his bubbling enthusiasm had made him president of the organization, and president of the International Greeters. No matter where its conventions were held, he would be there.

“So when I saw him the next day, I began talking about the Greeters. What a response I got. What a response! He talked to me for half an hour about the Greeters, his tones vibrant with enthusiasm. I could plainly see that this society was not only his hobby, it was the passion of his life. Before I left his office, he had ‘sold' me a membership in his organization.

“In the meantime, I had said nothing about bread. But a few days later, the steward of his hotel phoned me to come over with samples and prices.

“‘I don't know what you did to the old boy, 'the steward greeted me, ‘but he sure is sold on you! ’

“Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years—trying to get his business—and I'd still be drumming at him if I hadn't finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and what he enjoyed talking about.”

Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee communications, has always followed this principle. When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.

Principle 5:Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

6 How to Make People Like You Instantly

I was waiting in line to register a letter in the post office at Thirty-third Street and Eighth Avenue in New York. I noticed that the clerk appeared to be bored with the job—weighing envelopes, handing out stamps, making change, issuing receipts—the same monotonous grind year after year. So I said to myself, “I am going to try to make that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him like me, I must say something nice, not about myself, but about him.”So I asked myself, “What is there about him that I can honestly admire?” That is sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers; but, in this case, it happened to be easy. I instantly saw something I admired no end.

So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm, “I certainly wish I had your head of hair.”

He looked up, half-startled, his face beaming with smiles. “Well, it isn't as good as it used to be,” he said modestly. I assured him that although it might have lost some of its pristine glory, nevertheless it was still magnificent. He was immensely pleased. We carried on a pleasant little conversation and the last thing he said to me was, “Many people have admired my hair.”

I'll bet that person went out to lunch that day walking on air. I'll bet he went home that night and told his wife about it. I'll bet he looked in the mirror and said, “It is a beautiful head of hair.”

I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards, “What did you want to get out of him?”

What was I trying to get out of him! ! ! What was I trying to get out of him! ! !

If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.

Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory long after the incident is past.

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.

Philosophers have been speculating on the roles of human relationships for thousands of years, and out of all that speculation, there has evolved only one important precept. It is not new. It is as old as history. Zoroaster taught it to his followers in Persia twenty-five hundred years ago. Confucius preached it in China twenty-four centuries ago. Lao-tse, the founder of Taoism, taught it to his disciples in the Valley of the Pan. Buddha preached it on the bank of the Holy Ganges five hundred years before Christ. The sacred books of Hinduism taught it a thousand years before that. Jesus taught it among the stony hills of Judea nineteen centuries ago. Jesus summed it up in one thought—probably the most important rule in the world: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don't want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation. You want your friends and associates to be, as Charles Schwab put it, “hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.”All of us want that.

So let's obey the Golden Rule, and give unto others what we would have others give unto us.

How? When? Where? The answer is: All the time, everywhere.

David G. Smith of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, told one of our classes how he handled a delicate situation when he was asked to take charge of the refreshment booth at a charity concert.

“The night of the concert I arrived at the park and found two elderly ladies in a very bad humor standing next to the refreshment stand. Apparently each thought that she was in charge of this project. As I stood there pondering what to do, one of the members of the sponsoring committee appeared and handed me a cash box and thanked me for taking over the project. She introduced Rose and Jane as my helpers and then ran off.

“A great silence ensued. Realizing that the cash box was a symbol of authority (of sorts), I gave the box to Rose and explained that I might not be able to keep the money straight and that if she took care of it I would feel better. I then suggested to Jane that she show two teenagers who had been assigned to refreshments how to operate the soda machine, and I asked her to be responsible for that part of the project.

“The evening was very enjoyable with Rose happily counting the money, Jane supervising the teenagers, and me enjoying the concert.”

You don't have to wait until you are ambassador to France or chairman of the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy of appreciation. You can work magic with it almost every day.

If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we have ordered French fried, let's say: “I'm sorry to trouble you, but I prefer French fried.”She'll probably reply, “No trouble at all”and will be glad to change the potatoes, because we have shown respect for her.

Little phrases such as “I'm sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to—?” “Won't you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”—little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

Let's take another illustration. Hall Caine's novels—The Christian, The Deemster, The Manxman, among them—were all best-sellers in the early part of this century.Millions of people read his novels, countless millions. He was the son of a blacksmith. He never had more than eight years' schooling in his life; yet when he died he was the richest literary man of his time.

The story goes like this: Hall Caine loved sonnets and ballads; so he devoured all of Dante Gabriel Rossetti's poetry. He even wrote a lecture chanting the praises of Rossetti's artistic achievement—and sent a copy to Rossetti himself. Rossetti was delighted. “Any young man who has such an exalted opinion of my ability,” Rossetti probably said to himself, “must be brilliant.”So Rossetti invited this blacksmith's son to come to London and act as his secretary. That was the mining point in Hall Caine's life; for, in his new position, he met the literary artists of the day. Profiting by their advice and inspired by their encouragement, he launched upon a career that emblazoned his name across the sky.

His home, Greeba Castle, on the Isle of Man, became a Mecca for tourists from the far corners of the world, and he left a multimillion dollar estate. Yet—who knows—he might have died poor and unknown had he not written an essay expressing his admiration for a famous man.

Such is the power, the stupendous power, of sincere, heartfelt appreciation.

Rossetti considered himself important. That is not strange. Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.

The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important. Ronald J. Rowland, who is one of the instructors of our course in California, is also a teacher of arts and crafts. He wrote to us about a student named Chris in his beginning—crafts class：

Chris was a very quiet, shy boy lacking in self-confidence, the kind of student that often does not receive the attention he deserves.

On Wednesday, Chris was diligently working at his desk. I really felt there was a hidden fire deep inside him. I asked Chris if he would like to be in the advanced class. How I wish I could express the look in Chris's face, the emotions in that shy fourteen-year-old boy, trying to hold back his tears.

“Who me, Mr. Rowland? Am I good enough?”

“Yes, Chris, you are good enough.”

I had to leave at that point because tears were coming to my eyes.

As Chris walked out of class that day, seemingly two inches taller, he looked at me with bright blue eyes and said in a positive voice, “Thank you, Mr. Rowland.”

Chris taught me a lesson I will never forget—our deep desire to feel important. To help me never forget this rule, I made a sign which reads “YOU ARE IMPORTANT.”This sign hangs in the front of the classroom for all to see and to remind me that each student I face is equally important.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

Remember what Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly nauseating. As Shakespeare put it, “...man, proud man, Drest in a little brief authority, ...Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven, As make the angels weep.”

I am going to tell you how business people in my own courses have applied these principles with remarkable results. Let's take the case of a Connecticut attorney （because of his relatives he prefers not to have his name mentioned）.

Shortly after joining the course, Mr. R—drove to Long Island with his wife to visit some of her relatives. She left him to chat with an old aunt of hers and then rushed off by herself to visit some of the younger relatives. Since he soon had to give a speech professionally on how he applied the principles of appreciation, he thought he would gain some worthwhile experience talking with the elderly lady. So he looked around the house to see what he could honestly admire.

“This house was built about 1890, wasn't it?” he inqured.

“Yes,” she replied, “that is precisely the year it was built.”

“It reminds me of the house I was born in,” he said. “It's beautiful. Well built. Roomy, You know, they don't build houses like this anymore.”

“You're right,” the old lady agreed. “The young folks nowadays don't care for beautiful homes. All they want is a small apartment, and then they go off gadding about in their automobiles.

“This is a dream house,” she said in a voice vibrating with tender memories. “This house was built with love. My husband and I dreamed about it for years before we built it. We didn't have an architect. We planned it all ourselves.”

She showed Mr. R—about the house, and he expressed his hearty admiration for the beautiful treasures she had picked up in her travels and cherished over a lifetime—paisley shawls, an old English tea set, Wedgwood china, French beds and chairs, Italian paintings, and silk draperies that had once hung in a French chateau.

After showing Mr. R—through the house, she took him out to the garage. There, jacked up on blocks, was a Packard car—in mint condition.

“My husband bought that car for me shortly before he passed on,” she said softly. “I have never ridden in it since his death ...You appreciate nice things, and I'm going to give this car to you.”

“Why, aunty,” he said, “you overwhelm me. I appreciate your generosity, of course; but I couldn't possibly accept it. I'm not even a relative of yours. I have a new car, and you have many relatives that would like to have that Packard.”

“Relatives!” she exclaimed. “Yes, I have relatives who are just waiting till I die so they can get that car. But they are not going to get it.”

“If you don't want to give it to them, you can very easily sell it to a secondhand dealer.”he told her.

“Sell it!” she cried “. Do you think I would sell this car? Do you think I could stand to see strangers riding up and down the street in that car—that car that my husband bought for me? I wouldn't dream of selling it. I'm going to give it to you. You appreciate beautiful things.”

He tried to get out of accepting the car, but he couldn't without hurting her feelings.

This lady, left all alone in a big house with her paisley shawls, her French antiques, and her memories, was starving for a little recognition. She had once been young and beautiful and sought after. She had once built a house warm with love and had collected things from all over Europe to make it beautiful. Now, in the isolated loneliness of old age, she craved a little human warmth, a little genuine appreciation—and no one gave it to her. And when she found it, like a spring in the desert, her gratitude couldn't adequately express itself with anything less than the gift of her cherished Packard.

Let's take another case: Donald M. McMahon, who was superintendent of Lewis and Valentine, nurserymen and landscape architects in Rye, New York, related this incident.

“Shortly after I attended the talk on ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People, 'I was landscaping the estate of a famous attorney. The owner came out to give me a few instructions about where he wished to plant a mass of rhododendrons and azaleas.

“I said, ‘Judge, you have a lovely hobby. I've been admiring your beautiful dogs. I understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year at the show in Madison Square Garden.’

“The effect of this little expression of appreciation was striking.

“‘Yes, 'the judge replied, ‘I do have a lot of fun with my dogs. Would you like to see my kennel? ’

“He spent almost an hour showing me his dogs and the prizes they had won. He even brought out their pedigrees and explained about the bloodlines responsible for such beauty and intelligence.

“Finally, turning to me, he asked, ‘Do you have any small children? ’

“‘Yes, I do, 'I replied, ‘I have a son.’

“‘Well, wouldn't he like a puppy? 'the judge inquired.

“‘Oh, yes, he'd be tickled pink.’

“‘All right, I'm going to give him one, 'the judge announced.

“He started to tell me how to feed the puppy. Then he paused. ‘You'll forget it if I tell you. I'll write it out.'So the judge went in the house, typed out the pedigree and feeding instructions, and gave me a puppy worth several hundred dollars and one hour and fifteen minutes of his valuable time largely because I had expressed my honest admiration for his hobby and achievements.”

George Eastman, of Kodak fame, invented the transparent film that made motion pictures possible, amassed a fortune of a hundred million dollars, and made himself one of the most famous businessmen on earth. Yet in spite of all these tremendous accomplishments, he craved little recognitions even as you and I.

To illustrate: When Eastman was building the Eastman School of Music and also Kilbourn Hall in Rochester, James Adamson, then president of the Superior Seating Company of New York, wanted to get the order to supply the theater chairs for these buildings. Phoning the architect, Mr. Adamson made an appointment to see Mr. Eastman in Rochester.

When Adamson arrived, the architect said, “I know you want to get this order, but I can tell you right now that you won't stand a ghost of a show if you take more than five minutes of George Eastman's time. He is a strict disciplinarian. He is very busy. So tell your story quickly and get out.”

Adamson was prepared to do just that.

When he was ushered into the room he saw Mr. Eastman bending over a pile of papers at his desk. Presently, Mr. Eastman looked up, removed his glasses, and walked toward the architect and Mr. Adamson, saying, “Good morning, gentlemen, what can I do for you?”

The architect introduced them, and then Mr. Adamson said, “While we've been waiting for you, Mr. Eastman, I've been admiring your office I wouldn't mind working in a room like this myself. I'm in the interior-woodworking business, and I never saw a more beautiful office in all my life.”

George Eastman replied, “You remind me of something I had almost forgotten. It is beautiful, isn't it? I enjoyed it a great deal when it was first built. But I come down here now with a lot of other things on my mind and sometimes don't even see the room for weeks at a time.”

Adamson walked over and rubbed his hand across a panel. “This is English oak, isn't it? A little different texture from Italian oak.”

“Yes,” Eastman replied. “Imported English oak. It was selected for me by a friend who specializes in fine woods.”

Then Eastman showed him about the room, commenting on the proportions, the coloring, the hand carving and other effects he had helped to plan and execute.

While drifting about the room, admiring the wood-work, they paused before a window, and George Eastman, in his modest, soft-spoken way, pointed out some of the institutions through which he was trying to help humanity: the University of Rochester, the General Hospital, the Homeopathic Hospital, the Friendly Home, the Children's Hospital. Mr. Adamson congratulated him warmly on the idealistic way he was using his wealth to alleviate the sufferings of humanity. Presently, George Eastman unlocked a glass case and pulled out the first camera he had ever owned—an invention he had bought from an Englishman.

Adamson questioned him at length about his early struggles to get started in business, and Mr. Eastman spoke with real feeling about the poverty of his childhood, telling how his widowed mother had kept a boardinghouse while he clerked in an insurance office. The terror of poverty haunted him day and night, and he resolved to make enough money so that his mother wouldn't have to work. Mr. Adamson drew him out with further questions and listened, absorbed, while he related the story of his experiments with dry photographic plates. He told how he had worked in an office all day, and sometimes experimented all night, taking only brief naps while the chemicals were working, sometimes working and sleeping in his clothes for seventy-two hours at a stretch.

James Adamson had been ushered into Eastman's office at ten-fifteen and had been warned that he must not take more than five minutes; but an hour had passed, then two hours passed. And they were still talking.

Finally, George Eastman turned to Adamson and said, “The last time I was in Japan I bought some chairs, brought them home, and put them in my sun porch. But the sun peeled the paint, so I went downtown the other day and bought some paint and painted the chairs myself. Would you like to see what sort of a job I can do painting chairs? All right. Come up to my home and have lunch with me and I'll show you.”

After lunch, Mr. Eastman showed Adamson the chairs he had brought from Japan. They weren't worth more than a few dollars, but George Eastman, now a multimillionaire, was proud of them because he himself had painted them.

The order for the seats amounted to $90,000. Who do you suppose got the order—James Adamson or one of his competitors?

From the time of this story until Mr. Eastman's death, he and James Adamson were close friends.

Claude Marais, a restaurant owner in Rouen, France, used this principle and saved his restaurant the loss of a key employee. This woman had been in his employ for five years and was a vital link between Mr. Marais and his staff of twenty-one people. He was shocked to receive a registered letter from her advising him of her resignation.

Mr. Marais reported: “I was very surprised and, even more, disappointed, because I was under the impression that I had been fair to her and receptive to her needs. In as much as she was a friend as well as an employee, I probably had taken her too much for granted and maybe was even more demanding of her than of other employees.

“I could not, of course, accept this resignation without some explanation. I took her aside and said, ‘Paulette, you must understand that I cannot accept your resignation. You mean a great deal to me and to this company, and you are as important to the success of this restaurant as I am.'I repeated this in front of the entire staff, and I invited her to my home and reiterated my confidence in her with my family present.

“Paulette withdrew her resignation, and today I can rely on her as ever before. I frequently reinforce this by expressing my appreciation for what she does and showing her how important she is to me and to the restaurant.”

“Talk to people about themselves,” said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”

Principle 6:Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

第1节 这样做你就会到处受欢迎

为什么要通过读本书来学习如何赢得朋友呢？为什么不向世界上最善于交友的人学习这种技巧呢？他又是谁？当你明天走到街上时，你也许会遇到他。当你走到距他10英尺之内的地方时，他就会开始摇尾巴。如果你停下来轻轻地抚摸他，他就会异常高兴地跳起来，向你表示他是多么的喜欢你。而且你也知道，在他这种亲热表现的背后，并没有其他的目的：他并不是想将一块地产推销给你，也不是要和你结婚。

你是否曾静下心来想过，狗是唯一不需要为生活而工作的动物呢？母鸡需要下蛋、母牛需要产奶、金丝雀必须唱歌。而狗只需要把它的爱给你，就可以生活无忧。

当我5岁的时候，我父亲花50美分给我买了一只小黄毛狗。它是我童年时代的光明和快乐源泉。每天下午大约4点半，它就会坐在院子前面，用它那美丽的眼睛静静地望着小道，只要一听到我的声音，或看见我晃着饭盒穿过矮树林时，它就会像箭飞一般，气喘吁吁地跑上小山，又跳又叫地欢迎我。蒂比和我做了5年的好朋友。然后，在一个悲惨的晚上——我永远也不会忘记的晚上——在离我10英尺远的地方，它被电击死了。蒂比的死是我童年时代的悲剧。

蒂比，你从来都没有读过心理学。你也不必去读。你可以通过你的直觉知道这点。如果你真的关心别人，那么你在两个月内所交到的朋友要比一个总想让别人关心他的人在两年内所交的朋友还要多。让我再重复一遍：如果你关心别人，你在两个月内所交到的朋友会比一个总想让别人关心他的人在两年之内所交的朋友还要多。

但是你和我都知道，有的人就是一辈子都难以醒悟过来，总是想让别人对他们感兴趣。当然，这种方法是行不通的。因为别人并不在意你。他们对我也不关心。他们只关心自己——无论是在早晨、中午，还是晚上。纽约电话公司曾对电话中的谈话内容做过详细研究，以了解哪些词在电话中最常用。你已经猜到了，那就是“我”、“我”、“我”。在500次电话谈话中，这个词曾被用过3900次。当你看一张你也在里面的团体照片时，你会先看谁呢？假如我们只想引起别人的注意，让别人对我们留下印象，我们永远不会有许多真挚而诚恳的朋友。朋友，真正的朋友，不是用那种方法交来的。

维也纳已故著名心理学家阿尔弗雷德·阿德勒写过一本书叫《生活的意义》。在那本书中，他说：“对别人漠不关心的人，他的一生困难最多，对别人的伤害也最大。所有人类的失败，都是由这些人造成的。”

你也许读过几十卷关于心理学方面的书，但是却再也找不到比这句话对你和我更重要的了。阿德勒这句话太具有深意了，所以我重录于下：“对别人漠不关心的人，他的一生困难最多，对别人的伤害也最大。所有人类的失败，都是由这些人造成的。”

我曾在纽约大学选修一门关于短篇小说写作的课。上课时，一家重要杂志的一位编辑为我们上课。他说当他每天拿起桌子上堆着的几十篇小说的任何一篇，只需要读完几段，就能感觉出作者是否喜欢人。“如果作者不喜欢别人，”他说，“别人也不会喜欢他的小说。”

这位阅历很深的编辑在他的讲课中曾停下来两次，为他所讲的那些大道理道歉。“现在我告诉你们的，”他说，“和你们的牧师告诉你们的一样。但是请记住，如果你要做一个成功的小说家，你必须关心别人。”

如果写小说是那样的话，那么在待人接物方面就更应该如此了。

当塞斯顿最后一次在百老汇演出时，我曾去他的化妆室呆了一整晚——塞斯顿被认为是“魔术之王”。他周游世界40年，一再创造出各种幻象，令观众如痴如醉，使人惊奇不已。总共有超过6000万的人掏钱观看他的表演，而他也得到了大约200万美元的收入。

我请塞斯顿先生将他的成功秘诀告诉我。当然，他的学校教育与此毫无关系，因为他在幼年时就离家出走，成了一个流浪儿，沿途搭乘货车，睡在草堆上，一路上乞讨为生，靠坐在车上观看铁路沿线的标识而学会了认字。

是他的魔术知识高人一筹吗？不是。他告诉我：关于魔术的书已经有几百种，而且有几十个人知道的魔术同他一样多。但他有两点是其他人所没有的。首先，他在舞台上能够展现自己的个性。他是一位表演天才，了解人类的天性。因此他的每个手势、每种声调、每一次提起眼眉，都是提前演习好了的，而他的每一个动作也都配合得不差分秒。但除此之外，塞斯顿还有一点就是对人有热情。他告诉我，许多魔术家会面对观众，而对他们自己说：“好，那里是一群笨蛋，一群乡巴佬。我可以把他们骗得团团转。”但塞斯顿却完全不同。他告诉我，每次上台时，他都会对自己说：“我很感动，因为这些人来看我的表演。是他们使我过上了舒适的生活。我一定尽力为他们演出最好的节目。”

他说他每次走到台前时，总会对自己说：“我爱我的观众。我爱我的观众。”可笑吗？荒诞不经吗？你怎么想都可以。但我只不过是不加评论地把有史以来最著名的魔术家所用的方法传授给了你。

住在宾夕法尼亚州北华伦城的乔治·戴克，由于他的服务站被一条高速公路抢走了好位置而不得不提前退休。没过多久，无聊的退休生活就让他难以忍受，于是他开始演奏他那把旧小提琴来打发时日。不久，他到处旅行，到处听音乐，向那些修养极高的小提琴家请教。尽管他不是什么伟大的提琴家，但是他以谦虚友善的态度去了解别人，结交他所认识的每一位音乐家，结果他交到了许多朋友。他去参加比赛，不久美国东部的那些乡村音乐迷很快就知道了“来自金兹阿乡村的拉小提琴的乔治叔叔”。这时乔治已经72岁了，但他还在享受自己生命中的每一分钟。由于对别人具有持续的热情和兴趣，当大多数人都认为他们已经行将就木时，他却为自己创造了一个崭新的生命。

这也正是西奥多·罗斯福深受爱戴的秘诀之一。即使他的仆人也敬爱他。他的男仆詹姆斯·阿莫斯曾写过一本关于他的书，名叫《西奥多·罗斯福，他仆人的英雄》。在那本书中，阿莫斯提到了一件很具有启发性的事：

“有一次我妻子问总统鹑鸟的事。她从来没有见过这种鸟。他给她作了详细描述。过了没多久，我屋里的电话响了（阿莫斯和他妻子住在牡蛎湾罗斯福住宅的一间小屋里）。我妻子去接电话，打电话的是罗斯福先生本人。他说他打来电话，就是要告诉她，在她的窗外正好有一只鹑鸟，如果她向窗外面看的话，也许可以看见它。许多这样的小事情，正是他的特点。无论他什么时候经过我们屋，虽然看不见我们，但我们总是能听见他‘哦，哦，哦……安妮！’或‘哦，哦，哦……詹姆斯！’的招呼声。那是他经过我们时对我们的友善问候。”

作为仆人，怎么会不喜欢这样的人呢？谁会不喜欢他呢？

有一天，罗斯福去白宫，恰好塔夫脱总统和夫人出去了。他那真诚地喜欢身份卑微者的善良品性这时得到了鲜明的表现：他向白宫所有原来当差的伙伴们，甚至做杂务的女仆直呼姓名，向他们问好。

“当他看见厨房的女仆艾丽斯时，”亚奇·巴特这样写道，“他问她是否还做玉米面包。艾丽斯告诉他说她有时候做给仆人们吃，但楼上已经不再有人吃了。”

“‘他们没口福，’罗斯福大声说，‘等我见到总统时，我会告诉他。’

“艾丽斯拿了一块玉米面包放在托盘上递给他，他边走边吃，一直来到办公室。当走过那些园丁或工役面前时，便向他们问好……

“他向每个人问好，正如他从前所做的那样。一个名叫艾克·胡福的人在白宫服务40年，他眼中含泪地说：‘这是我们最近两年中唯一快乐的日子。我们谁都不会将它与一张100美元的钞票交换。'”

也正是这种对普通人的关怀，新泽西州查特汉市一位销售代表爱德华·赛克斯重新赢得了一笔生意。“许多年前，”赛克斯说，“在马萨诸塞，我为强生公司前去拜访一位客户。这是一个住在印姆的杂货店经销商。每次我去这家商店时，总是先和店伙计说几句话，再和店主谈订单的事。有一次我正想和店主谈订单，他突然让我走开，还说他再也不想买强生公司的东西了，因为他觉得强生公司几乎将全部精力放在了食品店和折扣店上，而对小杂货店造成了损害。我赶紧离开了，进城兜了几圈。后来我决定再返回去，因为我至少得向店主解释一下我们的情况。

“我回来后，像平时一样先和店伙计打了个招呼。我走近店主时，店主笑着欢迎我回来，并且给了我比平时多两倍的订单。我惊讶地看着他，问他我离开的几个小时发生了什么事情。店主指着卖冷饮的店伙计说，我走之后，店伙计说我是少数向他和其他店伙计打招呼的推销员。他告诉店主，如果有某人值得与其做生意的话，那就是我了。店主觉得也对，仍旧成为我忠实的客户。我永远都不会忘记，真心关注别人，会是推销员应拥有的最重要的品格——对任何人都一样，不只是就这件事来说如此。”

我从个人的经验中也已经发现，一个人凭着对他人的真诚关心，能够获得即使是最忙的人的注意，占有他们的时间，并赢得他们的合作。让我举例说明。

许多年前，我在布鲁克林文理学院开设了一门小说创作课。我们打算邀请一些知名而且十分忙碌的作家，例如凯瑟琳·诺里斯、凡尼·赫斯德、伊达·塔贝尔、亚尔伯特·德恩、卢伯特·休斯到布鲁克林来为我们讲授经验。我们给他们写信，说我们仰慕他们的作品，并深切地希望获得他们的指导，学习他们成功的秘诀。

每封信都由大约150名学员签名。我们说我们知道他们很忙——忙得没有时间准备演讲稿。所以我们在信里面附上了一份问卷，好让他们介绍他们自己及他们的工作方法。他们喜欢我们那样做。谁会不喜欢呢？所以他们都特意从家里赶到布鲁克林，来给我们提供帮助。

用同样的方法，我曾邀请到西奥多·罗斯福总统任期内的财政部长莱斯利·肖，塔夫脱总统任期内的司法部长乔治·威格萨姆，还有威廉·拜伦、富兰克林·罗斯福以及其他许多名人来给我班上的学员演讲。

我们所有的人——无论是工厂工人、办公室职员，或是宝座上的君王——任何人都喜欢那些尊敬我们的人。就以德国皇帝凯瑟为例。在第一次世界大战结束的时候，他大概是世界上最受轻视的人。因为即使他的国民在他为了保住性命而打算逃亡荷兰时全都反对他。人们如此憎恨他，以至于成千上万的人都希望把他手足撕裂，或钉在火刑柱上烧死。在这怒火难以抑制的时候，有一个小孩给德国皇帝写了一封简单而诚恳的信，信中充满了仁爱和钦佩。这个小孩说，不论其他人是怎么想的，他都永远希望敬爱的威廉当他的皇帝。皇帝被他的信深深感动，邀请小男孩去看他。小男孩来了，他母亲也来了——德国皇帝娶了她。这个小孩根本就没有必要去读一本如何交友以及如何影响他人的书，因为他天生就知道这些。

如果我们想要交朋友的话，我们就应该去为别人效劳——去做那些需要花时间、精力、奉献和思考的事。当温莎公爵还是威尔士王储的时候，就计划周游南美。他在出发以前，花了好几个月的时间学习西班牙语言，这样他才能够用当地语言演讲。南美人也因此而喜欢他。

许多年来，我一直都在打听我那些朋友的生日。怎样才能做到这点呢？尽管我根本就不相信星相学，但我总是会先问对方，是否相信一个人的生辰与性格有关。然后我就会请他将他的生辰告诉我。例如，如果他或她说11月24日，我就会反复地说：“11月24日，11月24日。”等他转过身时，我会立即记下他的姓名和生日，然后每年年初我再把这些生日排列后再誊到我的日历上，到时它就会引起我的注意。到了某个人生日那天，我会给他写信或发电报。他们多么兴奋啊！我恐怕是这个世界上唯一记住他生日的人。

如果我们想要交朋友的话，就要用生机和热情去应对别人。当别人给你打电话时，你也应该用同样的心理学。你和他说话的声音要表示出你多么喜欢他给你打电话。许多公司训练他们的接线员，要求他们接电话时语气要透出关心和热情，让打电话过来的人感觉公司对他们的关注。明天我们接电话时，也要记住这一点。

对别人表达你的真诚关注，不但可以让你交到许多朋友，还可以为你的公司增加客户的忠诚度。纽约的北美国家银行一份出版物中，刊登了一位储户梅德兰·罗斯黛的来信：

“我真希望您能知道我是多么的欣赏贵公司的员工。他们每个人都这么热情有礼，助人为乐。当我在排了长长的队之后，会有一位员工来向我亲切地打个招呼，这令人感到很愉快。

“去年，我母亲生病住了5个月的院。我那时经常遇到贵公司一位员工玛丽。她很关心我的母亲，问了她的病情。”

罗斯黛是否和这家银行继续往来呢？

查尔斯·华尔德是纽约市一家大银行的员工，有一次受命准备一份关于某公司的机密文件。他知道只有某个人掌握了他急需的这些材料。当华尔德被引进这位董事长办公室时，一位年轻女子从门外伸进头来，告诉董事长说她今天没有什么可给他的邮票。

董事长对华尔德解释道：“我正在为我12岁的儿子收集邮票。”

华尔德说明自己的来意，开始问问题。这位董事长的回答含混不清——很明显，他不愿讲话，没有什么事情能够让他开口的。因此这次会谈变得简短而枯燥。

“说实话，我当时不知如何是好，”华尔德在我班上讲这件事时说，“然后，我想起他的秘书对他说过的话——邮票，12岁的儿子……同时我又想起我们银行的外汇兑换部经常收集邮票——世界各地寄来的信上取下的邮票。

“第二天下午，我再次去拜访这位董事长，并请人传话进去，说我有些邮票要给他的儿子。我是不是受到了热烈欢迎呢？当然。即使是他要竞选国会议员，也不可能那么热情地握着我的手了。他发出善意的微笑说，‘我的乔治肯定会喜欢的，’他抚摸着邮票不断地说，‘看这张！这可是无价之宝啊！’

“我们花了一个小时谈论邮票，并看了他儿子的照片。然后，他用了一个多小时的时间，谈了我所需要的一切情况——我没有要求他那样做。他讲了他知道的一切，又把他的下属叫进来询问。他还给几位常有来往的人打了电话。他把所有的事实、数字、报告以及信件全都给了我。用一位新闻记者的话来说，我得了一个‘大丰收’。”

下面还有另外一个例子：

多年来，费城的克纳夫尔先生一直想将煤推销给一家大型连锁公司。但这家公司仍旧愿意经过克纳夫尔先生的办公室门口，向市外一个煤商采购燃煤。一天晚上，克纳夫尔先生在我的班上作了一次演讲，对连锁公司大加指责，认为他们的行为是国家的一颗毒瘤。可是，他依然不知道他为什么不能把煤卖给他们。我建议他试试其他手段。简而言之，后来的情形是这样的。我将班上的学员分成两支队伍，就“连锁公司的广泛分布对国家是否害多益少”进行辩论。

按照我的建议，克纳夫尔先生加入反对方，他同意为连锁公司做辩护。于是，他径直去找那家被他大加指责的连锁公司的经理，对他说：“我来这里并不是向你推销煤的。我只是来请你帮我一个忙。”于是他讲了这场辩论赛，并说：“我来请你帮忙，因为我想没有什么人会比你更适合为我提供我所需要的材料。我非常想赢得这场辩论赛；无论你能给我什么帮助，我都将非常感激。”

下面是克纳夫尔先生对后来情况的介绍：

“我请他给我一分钟的时间。由于讲了这个条件，他才答应见我。但是当我说明来意之后，他让我坐下，和我谈了1小时47分钟。他还叫进来另一位曾写过一本关于连锁经营的书的高级职员向我介绍相关情况。他还给全国连锁公司联合会写信，替我要了一份这方面的资料。他觉得连锁公司是真正为人们服务的，他对于能够为成千上万的人服务而自豪。他谈话的时候，精神焕发；而我也必须承认，他开阔了我的眼界，使我看见了我以前连做梦都没有想过的事。他改变了我的整个想法。

“当我离开的时候，他把我送到门口，搂着我的肩，祝我辩论胜利，并请我再来看他，将辩论的结果告诉他。他最后对我说的是：‘请你在春末的时候再来看我。我愿意订购你的煤。’

“对我来说，这几乎是一件不可思议的事。我对于卖煤一个字都没有说，可是他却要买我的煤。我只不过因为对他及他的问题真的感兴趣，因此在不到两个小时内所取得的成果，比我在过去10年当中试图让他对我及我的煤发生兴趣所得的还多。”

克纳夫尔先生并不是发现了一条新真理，因为很久以前，在基督诞生100年以前，古罗马一位著名的诗人西拉斯就曾说过：“我们对别人产生兴趣的时候，恰好是别人对我们产生兴趣的时候。”

对他人表示关心，这与其他人际关系一样必须真诚。这不仅使得付出关心的人会得到相应的回报，而得到这种关心的人也会同样有所收获。这是一条双向大道，在这条道路上的当事人都会受益。

马丁·金斯伯参加了我们纽约长岛的课程，他说一位护士给他的关怀深深地影响了他的一生。他说：“那天是感恩节，我当时只有10岁，由于生病住进了市里面一家医院，而且第二天就要做手术了。我知道在以后的几周会很痛苦，而且行动都会受到限制。我父亲早已过世了，只有我和母亲相依为命，住在一家小公寓中，靠社会救济金生活。可是那天母亲却不能来看我。

“那天，我陷入了无边无际的寂寞、失望和恐惧中。我也知道母亲正在为我担心，而且也是一个人孤零零地在家里，没有人陪她一同吃饭，甚至没钱买感恩节的晚餐。

“泪水一直在我的眼眶中打转，我把头埋进了枕头下面，一个人暗中伤心哭了起来，全身颤抖着。

“一位年轻的实习护士听到了我的哭声，就到这边来看我。她从我脸上将枕头拿开，替我擦干了眼泪。她说她也很寂寞，那天她必须在医院工作，不能和家人一同吃饭。她又问我愿不愿意和她一同吃晚餐。她拿来了两盘食物：火鸡肉片、马铃薯泥、草莓酱、冰激凌等。她和我聊天，努力安抚我。虽然她下午4点就应该下班回家的，可是她一直陪我到晚上将近11点。她一直和我做游戏、聊天，等我入睡后才走。

“我在10岁以前过了许多感恩节，可是这个感恩节我永远都不会忘记。我还记得当时那种失落、恐惧和孤独。突然一个陌生人的温暖关怀使得这一切都消失得无踪无影了。”

如果你想让别人喜欢你，或者培养真正的友情，或是既帮助别人又帮助自己，那么就要牢记——

第一项规则：真诚地关心别人。

第2节 产生良好印象的简单方法

在纽约的一次晚宴上，有一位客人——她是一位继承了大笔遗产的女士，因为迫切想给每个人留下良好的印象，就花费重金买了貂皮、钻石和珍珠。但是，她对自己的面孔却没做任何打扮。她的脸上充满了尖酸刻薄以及自私。她并不明白每个人都知道的道理——那就是一个人脸上的神色，要远远比她身上所穿的衣服重要得多。

施瓦伯告诉我，他的微笑价值百万。他大概深谙这一真理，因为施瓦伯的性格、他的魅力、他那令人欢喜的能力，几乎正是他超常成功的最主要原因。而他的个性中最可爱的因素之一，就是他那能够打动一切人的微笑。

行动胜于言论。微笑会让人明白：“我喜欢你。你使我快乐。我很高兴见到你。”

这就是狗为什么讨人喜欢的原因。它们是那么高兴见到我们，以至于心都要从肚子里跳出来似的。所以，我们当然也高兴看见它们。

婴儿的微笑也有同样的效果。

你是否曾在医院的候诊室里待过？是否注意到四周的人都阴沉着脸，十分厌烦的样子？住在密苏里州雷顿市的兽医史蒂芬·史波尔曾说过这样一件事：有一年的春天，在他的候诊室中挤满了人，等着给他们的宠物注射疫苗。没有一个人说话，也许每个人都在想该干些什么，而不是坐在那儿浪费时间。他在我们一个班上讲道：“候诊室有六七个人在等着，这时进来一位女士，她带了一个9个月大的孩子和一只小猫。她坐在一位男士的边上，而这位男士正等得不耐烦了。当他朝边上看时，那个孩子正注视着他，并天真无邪地向他笑着。这位男士的反应如何呢？和你我一样，他也对那个孩子笑了笑。然后他就和那位母亲聊了起来，谈到了她的孩子和他的孙子。很快，整个候诊室的人都聊了起来，气氛活跃了，每个人都有了一种愉快的体验。”

小孩的笑是否不诚意呢？绝对不是。不诚意的笑是骗不了人的。我们知道那种笑是机械的，我们会厌恶它。我是在讲一种真正的微笑、热心的微笑、发自内心的微笑，那种在人际交往中极具价值的微笑。

密歇根大学心理学教授詹姆斯·麦克奈尔谈了他对微笑的看法。他说：“那些笑脸常在的人，在教育和推销当中会更容易成功，更容易培养快乐的下一代。笑容比皱眉头更能传情达意，这正是鼓励比惩罚更能起到有效教育的原因所在。”

纽约一家大百货商店的人事经理告诉我，他情愿雇一个带着可爱微笑的小学未毕业的职员，也不愿雇一位面孔冷淡的哲学博士。

即使我们不能看到笑的本质，但它的影响却是很大的。遍布全美国的电话公司有一个栏目叫“电话的威力”，这个栏目是为用电话推销产品和服务的业务员提供的。在这个栏目中，电话公司建议在你打电话时，应该保持微笑，但是这种微笑可以通过你的声音来传达。

美国一家最大的橡胶公司的董事长告诉我，根据他的观察，一个人无论做什么事，除非他对此很感兴趣，否则将很难成功。这位实业界的领袖对“十年寒窗可以成就功名”那句老话并不太相信。“我认识一些人，”他说，“他们起初成功了，因为他们对他们的事业极其感兴趣。后来，我看见那些人开始变成工作的奴隶，工作对他们而言变得异常无聊，他们失掉了所有工作中的乐趣，于是他们失败了。”

如果你希望别人看到你的时候很愉快，那么当你看见别人时，你也一定要心情愉悦。

我曾建议成千上万的商界人士，花上一个星期的时间，每天的每小时都要对人微笑，然后再回到班上来谈结果。效果怎样呢？就让我们来看看……这是纽约证券交易所会员威廉·史丹哈德的一封信。他的情况并不是个别现象。事实上，它是好几百人中的代表。

“我已经结婚18年多了，”史丹哈德写道，“在此期间，我从起床到准备好出门上班，我都难得对我妻子的微笑，或说上一两句话。我是那些在大街上奔波的人当中脾气最坏的一个。

“因为你建议我们讲对微笑的感受，于是我就想试一个星期。所以，第二天早上，当我梳头的时候，我就看着镜中那副阴沉的面孔，对自己说：‘比尔，你今天必须把你的愁容从脸上扫除。你要微笑。你现在就应该开始。’我坐下吃早餐的时候，对妻子说：‘亲爱的，早上好！’我说的时候，脸上带着微笑。

“你曾提醒过我，她可能会感到惊讶。可是，你低估了她的反应。她不仅迷惑不已，甚至惊呆了。我告诉她，她将来可以每天都看到这种愉快的事情。从此以后，我每天早上都这样。

“由于我改变了态度，使得我们家在这两个月中所得到的快乐，比过去一年的还多。

“当我去办公室的时候，我会对大楼开电梯的人说‘早上好！’并且对他微笑。我还和看门人微笑着打招呼。我在地铁售票处兑换零钱的时候，也会以微笑和服务员打招呼。当我站在交易所大厅的时候，还会对那些以前从未见我微笑的人微笑。

“不久，我就发现每个人都对我报以微笑。我微笑地接待那些发牢骚和抱怨的人。当我听他们抱怨的时候，我会保持微笑，于是问题的解决更容易了。我发现微笑给我带来了财富，我每天都会收获许多财富。

“我同另一位经纪人共用一间办公室。他的一位秘书是一个可爱的小伙子。我很为我所取得的进展而高兴，所以将自己最近学到的人际关系新哲学告诉了他。他承认说，当我最初与他共用办公室的时候，他还以为我是个郁郁寡欢的人呢——直到最近他才改变这一看法。他说，当我微笑的时候非常亲切。

“现在我改掉了批评的习惯。我只是欣赏和称赞别人，而不指责。我也不再谈论自己的需要，我现在总是从别人的立场来分析问题。这些做法，真的改变了我的生活。我现在已经变成另一个人了，一个更快乐、更充实的人，而且富有友谊和快乐——而这些才是最重要的。”

你不愿意微笑吗？那该怎么办呢？有两个办法：第一，强迫自己微笑。第二，如果你一个人独处，不妨强迫自己吹吹口哨，或哼一支小曲，或唱唱歌，就好像你很快乐的样子，那就能使你快乐。心理学家、哲学家威廉·詹姆斯曾这样说：

“行动就好像是跟随感觉之后而产生的，但它与感觉其实是同时进行的，这就足以使直接接受意志控制的行动有规律，而且也间接地使不直接接受意志控制的情感有一定的规律。

“因此，如果我们不愉快的话，那么得到它的主动途径就是让自己的语言和行动都高兴起来，就好像你已经得到了快乐一样……”

世界上的每一个人都在追求幸福——而获得幸福的一个可靠的方法，就是控制你的思想。幸福并不取决于外界的因素，而是取决于你内心的状态。

幸福并不取决于你拥有什么，你是谁，你在何处，或者你在做什么事；决定你是否幸福的关键，在于你怎么想。例如，两个人在同一地方做同一事情，两人都有同样的金钱与名声——可是一个人会痛苦，另一个人会快乐。这是为什么呢？因为他们的内心想法不同。我从那些在酷热之下流着汗做苦工的人那里看到了快乐的脸孔，就像我在纽约、芝加哥或洛杉矶的空调办公室所看到的一样。

“事无善恶，”莎士比亚说，“思想使然。”

林肯也曾说：“大多数人的快乐，和他们内心所想到的快乐相差无几。”他说得确实没错。我最近看到了这一真理的生动的例子。当时我正在爬纽约长岛火车站的台阶。在我前面有三四十个拄着拐杖的残疾儿童正用力登上台阶，有一个男孩还必须由人抱上去。但他们的欢笑和快乐使我吃惊极了。我对带领这些儿童的管理员说了我个人的感受。

“哦，是的，”他说，“当一个孩子知道自己将终生残疾时，他最初往往是惊慌失措；但在惊慌之后，常常会接受命运的安排，并和正常儿童一样快乐。”

我真觉得要向那些孩子致敬。他们给我上了一堂我永远都不会忘记的课。

一个人独自在一间封闭的办公室工作，不仅会感到寂寞，还会失去和公司其他人交朋友的机会。在墨西哥的瓜达拉加拉市，西罗拉·玛丽亚就是一个人一间办公室。当她听到其他同事的聊天和欢笑声时，她非常羡慕。上班的头一个星期，当她经过大家时，她害羞地掉过头去。

几个星期之后，她告诉自己：“玛丽亚，你不能指望别人先和你打招呼，你应该先向别人问好。”于是，当她下一次出去倒冷饮时，脸上总是呈现出最迷人的微笑，并和她遇到的每个人打招呼：“嗨，你好！”这样做立即有效了。别人都对她回应了笑容和欢呼，过道好像也明亮了许多，工作气氛友善多了。熟人越来越多，有的人甚至成了玛丽亚的好朋友。她的工作和生活变得更加愉快和有趣了。

让我们细读随笔作家、出版家阿尔伯特·哈伯德下面这段睿智的忠告吧——请记住，除非你把它付诸实践，否则光是阅读对你并无益处。

“每次出去的时候，都要收缩下巴，抬起头，挺起胸膛深呼吸；在阳光中沐浴；以微笑来招呼每一个人，每次握手时都应该使出力气。不要怕被误会，不要将时间浪费在想你的仇敌。要在你心中明确你喜欢做什么，然后坚持不懈，勇往直前，集中精力大展宏图。日后，在时光流逝之中，你会发觉你于不知不觉中抓住了机会，实现了你的欲望，正如珊瑚虫由潮水中吸取所需要的营养一样。在脑海中想象你希望成为的那个有能力的、诚恳的、有作为的人，这种想象会每时每刻改造你，成为你所希望的那种人……思想是至高无上的。必须保持正确的人生观——一种勇敢、诚实、愉悦的态度。正确的思想本身就是创造。一切都来源于希望，每一次真诚的祈祷都会有所应验。我们内心希望成为什么，我们就会变成什么。请收缩你的下巴，抬高你的头，我们就是破蛹而出。”

中国的古人真是非常睿智——通达世事；他们有一句格言，你我都应该剪下来贴在帽子里。这格言就是“和气生财”。

你的微笑是善意的信使。你的微笑会照亮所有看见它的人的人生。对那些见多了冷漠面孔的人来说，你的微笑就像穿透云层的阳光。尤其当人处于重重压力之下时，一个微笑可以让他看到并非一切毫无希望——世界还有欢快！

许多年前，纽约一家百货商店在圣诞购物狂潮中，它的员工压力很大，就为读者张贴了下面这份实用的哲学：

圣诞节的微笑

它无所耗费，但收获却很多。

它让得到者获益，而施舍者却丝毫无损。

它出现在眨眼之间，但却给人永恒的记忆。

没有人会富得不需要它，也没有人穷到不能因它而致富。

它给家庭带来快乐，在生意场上使人产生好感，又是朋友间的亲热问候。

它是疲倦者的港湾，沮丧者的曙光，悲伤者的太阳，又是大自然的良药。

它买不到，求不来，借不到，偷不着，因为你将它送人之前，它对谁都没用。

而假如在圣诞节最后一分钟的忙碌采购中，我们的售货员也许太疲倦而不能给你微笑时，我们能请你留下你的微笑吗？

因为，那些没有微笑的人更需要微笑。

第二项规则：微笑。

第3节 牢记他人的名字

1898年，在纽约的洛克兰乡发生了一件悲剧：一个孩子死了。这天，邻居正准备去参加葬礼。吉姆·法莱到马厩中去牵他那匹马。地上满是积雪，寒风刺骨，那匹马有好几天都没有运动了，因此当它被拉到水槽边的时候，欢欣鼓舞，奋起双蹄向空中踢去，结果将吉姆·法莱踢死。因此在那个星期，在这个小小的镇子里有两个葬礼，而不是一个。

吉姆·法莱死后，留下了他的妻子和3个孩子，以及几百美元的保险金。

他最大的儿子小吉姆，这时才只有10岁，到砖厂去工作，运沙子，将沙子倒入砖模中，将砖坯翻过来在太阳底下晒干。这个小吉姆从来都没有机会接受什么教育，但因为具有天生的愉快品性，他有一种使别人喜欢他的才能。因此当他从政以后，随着岁月的流逝，他培养起一种记住别人名字的奇特能力。

他从未上过中学，但在他46岁以前，已经有4所大学授予他名誉学位；他还成为美国民主党全国委员会的主席，当上了美国邮政总监。

有一次，我去拜访小吉姆·法莱，问他成功的秘诀。他说：“卖力地工作。”我说：“别开玩笑了。”

于是他问我，我认为他成功的原因是什么。我说：“我知道你可以叫出一万人的名字。”

“不，不。你错了，”他说，“我能叫出5万人的名字。”

千万不要小看这一点。正是这种能力，才使得小吉姆·法莱于1932年辅佐富兰克林·罗斯福时，使他顺利地入主白宫。

当小吉姆·法莱为一家石膏公司担任推销员而到处奔波的那些年，当他在家乡小镇担任乡间公务员的那段时间，他就找到了一种记住别人姓名的有效方法。

刚开始的时候，这种方法非常简单。每当他接触一个陌生人的时候，总是要问清对方的姓名、他家中有几个人、他的职业和政治观点，并认真地记住这一切，将这些和其本人的面貌联系起来。当下次再遇到那个人时，即使是在一年以后，他都能够和对方握手，问候他的家人，以及他家后院的花草等。难怪有这么多人拥戴他！

在富兰克林·罗斯福开始竞选总统的前几个月，小吉姆一天要写好几百封信给西部及西北部各个州的人。然后他登上火车，在19天内足迹遍及20个州，行程12000公里，用轻便马车、火车、汽车、快艇代步。他每到一个城镇，就要和人们共进午餐或早点、茶点或晚餐，同他们作一番亲切的交谈，然后再奔向下一站。

等他一回到东部，就立刻给他到过的每个城镇的某个人写信，请对方将与他谈过话的客人的名单寄给他。最后名单上的名字就多得数不清了，但名单中的每个人都收到了小吉姆一封表达赞美的私人信函。这些信都是用“亲爱的比尔”或“亲爱的简”开头的，而最后总是签着“吉姆”的名字。

小吉姆·法莱早就发现普通人对自己的名字总是很感兴趣，甚至比对世上其他所有名字加起来还要感兴趣。记住一个人的姓名，并且能很容易就叫出来，你就是给对方一种巧妙而有效的恭维。但假若你忘了或记错了某个人的名字——你就会处于极其不利的境地。例如，我曾在巴黎开设了一门公共演讲课程，并向居住在城中的所有美国人寄了信。但法国打字员的英文水平很低，因此在打姓名时自然会出现错误。有一个人是巴黎一家美国大银行的经理，他给我写了一封毫不留情面的责备我的信，因为他的名字拼错了。

要想记住一个人的名字有时很难，尤其是当这个名字不太好念的时候。一般人都不愿记这种名字，而情愿叫对方的昵称。希德·李维曾经拜访过一位顾客，这位顾客的名字叫尼古德马斯·帕帕杜拉斯。由于这个名字太难记，大多数人都叫他“尼克”。李维告诉我：“拜访之前，我特别用心记住了他的名字。当我用全称和他打招呼‘早上好，尼古德马斯·帕帕杜拉斯先生’时，他呆在那里，好几分钟都没有反应。最后，他流着泪说：‘李维先生，我在这个国家已经呆了15年，可是从来没有人用我真正的名字来称呼我！'”

安德鲁·卡内基成功的原因是什么？

尽管他被誉为“钢铁大王”，但他自己对于钢铁制造的知识知之甚少。他有成千上万的人为他工作，他们在钢铁制造方面懂得的都比他要多得多。

但是他知道如何为人处世，而这正是他发财致富的原因。小时候，他就显露出组织方面的本领和领导天赋。10岁那年，他就发现人们对自己的名字非常重视。于是他就利用这一发现去赢得合作。例如，当他童年时代住在苏格兰的时候，抓到了一只怀孕的母兔。很快，他就有了一窝小兔子——可是他没有东西给它们吃。但是他有一个很妙的办法。他对邻近的孩子们说，如果他们愿意出去采集足够的苜蓿和蒲公英来喂这些小兔子，他就用他们的名字来给它们取名字。

这个方法太神奇了，安德鲁·卡内基永远也忘不了。

许多年以后，他在商业上应用同样的心理学，赚了好几百万美元。例如，他希望将钢轨卖给宾夕法尼亚铁路公司。当时埃格·汤姆森正好是这家公司的董事长。于是安德鲁·卡内基在匹兹堡建了一家巨型钢铁厂，就取名为“埃格·汤姆森钢铁厂”。

你是否能猜出来，当宾夕法尼亚铁路公司需要钢轨的时候，埃格·汤姆森会去哪里买呢？是西尔斯公司？是鲁巴克公司？不！错了，再猜猜！

当卡内基与普尔曼之间为了获得卧车生意而开展激烈竞争时，这位钢铁大王又想起了兔子的故事。

卡内基控制的中央运输公司正在和普尔曼的公司火拼这场生意，双方都希望获得太平洋铁路联合公司的这笔卧车订单，于是两家公司互相排挤、大杀其价，最后到了无利可图的地步。卡内基与普尔曼都亲自去太平洋联合公司在纽约的董事局。一天晚上，在圣尼古拉大饭店中，卡内基遇到了普尔曼，他说：“晚上好，普尔曼先生！我们不是在自己出洋相吗？”

“你这是什么意思？”普尔曼问。

于是，卡内基把自己心中想了许久的话说了出来——将他们双方的利益合在一起。两家公司互相合作而不竞争的好处，被他描述得天花乱坠。普尔曼认真地听着，但并没有完全赞同。最后他问道：“这家新公司你怎么取名呢？”卡内基立刻回答说：“哦！当然是普尔曼皇宫卧车公司。”

普尔曼立刻神采飞扬。“到我房里来，”他说，“我们来详细谈谈。”那次谈话改写了美国工业史。

安德鲁·卡内基这种记住并尊敬他的朋友及同行名字的习惯，正是他成为商界领袖的秘诀之一。他能叫出他手下许多工人的名字，这也是他引以为豪的。他还非常得意地说，当他亲自管理公司的时候，从未发生过罢工的事件。

得克萨斯州商业股份有限公司董事长班顿·拉夫认为，公司越大就越冷漠。“唯一能够使公司变得温暖一些的办法，”他说，“就是记住人们的名字。”

加利福尼亚兰克帕罗市的凯伦·科瑟奇是一位空姐，她经常练习记住飞机上旅客的名字，并在为他们服务时称呼他们的名字。因此，有的顾客会当面表扬她，也有的顾客会告诉公司。有一位顾客曾写信说：“我许久没有坐你们公司的飞机了。但从现在开始，我一定要等你们公司的飞机才乘坐。你们让我觉得你们的航空公司好像专属化了，而这对我非常重要。”

人们如此重视他们的名字，因此他们会不惜代价地使之永垂不朽。就连脾气暴躁而且富可敌国的伯纳姆，也曾因为没有儿子继承其姓氏而心灰意冷，以至于答应他的外孙西雷，如果他愿意称自己为“伯纳姆·西雷”的话，情愿给他25000美元。

几百年来，有钱人常常出钱资助那些艺术家、音乐家和作家，希望他们的作品献给他们。

图书馆和博物馆最有价值的收藏品，常常是由那些担心他们的姓名日后被遗忘的人捐赠的。纽约公共图书馆有爱斯德家族与李诺克斯家族的藏书；大都会博物馆则永远保存着本杰明·爱特曼与摩根的名字。几乎每一个教堂都镶嵌上了彩色玻璃，以纪念捐赠者。许多大学校园的建筑物也刻有捐赠者的名字，他们捐赠了大笔钱来获得此荣耀。

大多数人之所以不记得别人的姓名，只是因为他们不想花时间和精力去用心记。他们总是为自己寻找各种借口，例如说他们太忙了。

但他们大概不会比富兰克林·罗斯福更忙了，然而罗斯福却能花时间去记那些他曾经接触过的机械师的名字。

例如，克莱斯勒汽车公司曾为罗斯福先生特制了一辆汽车，因为他的腿瘫痪了不能开标准型号的车。张伯伦和一位机械师将汽车送到了白宫。我这里有一封张伯伦的信，讲了他当时的经历：“我教罗斯福总统如何驾驶一辆配置了许多特殊部件的汽车，但他也教给我许多为人处世的知识。

“当我被召到白宫的时候，”张伯伦先生写道，“总统非常高兴。他叫出了我的名字，使我感到非常欣慰。令我印象尤其深刻的，是他确实很注意我对他所说明的事项。这辆汽车设计成完全可以用手操作。一群人围在汽车四周观看。他说：‘我认为这辆汽车真是太棒了。只要按下这开关就可以开动，毫不费力。实在是太好了——我不知道它是如何工作的。我真希望有时间拆开来，看看它是如何工作的。’

“当罗斯福的朋友和同事都在称赞这辆车时，他当着他们的面说：‘张伯伦先生，我真的非常感谢你为了设计这辆车所花的时间和精力。这简直太棒了。’他对散热器、特制反光镜、时钟、特制照明灯、椅垫的式样、驾驶座的位置、车厢内标有他姓名缩写字母的特制衣箱等，都大加赞赏。换句话说，他注意到了每个细节，知道我所付出的心血。他还特别让罗斯福夫人、波金女士、劳工部长和他的秘书注意这些部件。他甚至还让那位白宫老搬运工也格外小心，他说：‘乔治，你可要小心这些衣箱。’

“在上完驾驶课之后，总统转向我说：‘好了，张伯伦先生，我已经让联邦储备委员会等我30分钟了。我想我该回去工作了。’

“我带了一位机械师去白宫。他刚到白宫时曾被介绍给罗斯福总统。他没有和总统说过一句话，而罗斯福总统也只听过他的名字一次。他是一个害羞的人，总是退缩在后面。但是在离开以前，总统找到这位机械师，和他握了握手，还叫出了他的名字，对他来到华盛顿表示感谢。他的这种感谢绝非做作，而是出自真心诚意。我能感觉到这一点。

“回到纽约几天后，我就收到了一张由罗斯福总统亲笔签名的照片，照片上还有简短的谢辞，再次对我的帮助表示感谢。他如何有时间做这样的事，可真让我难以理解。”

富兰克林·罗斯福知道一个最简单、最明显、最重要的使人获得好感的方法，那就是记住别人的姓名，使人感觉受到了重视——但我们有多少人能够这样做呢？

有一半情形是这样的：我们被介绍给一位陌生人，和对方谈了几分钟，可是在分手的时候连对方的姓名都不记得。

作为一名政治家，所要学的第一课就是：“记住选民的姓名就是政治才能。倘若忘记，你将会被遗忘。”

在个人事业与商业交往中，记住姓名的能力与在政治领域中几乎同样重要。

法国皇帝拿破仑三世——也就是伟大的拿破仑的侄子，曾自我炫耀地说，虽然国务很忙，但是他能记住他所见过的每一个人的姓名。

他的方法呢？很简单。如果他没有听清楚对方的姓名，就会说：“对不起。我没听清楚姓名。”如果这是一个不常见的姓名，他就会问：“这是如何拼的？”

在谈话的过程中，他会将那个人的名字反复记几次，并在大脑中将这个姓名和这个人的面孔、神色以及外观对应起来。

如果对方是个很重要的人物，拿破仑三世就会更费心思记住他。在他单独一人的时候，会将这人的姓名写在一张纸上，仔细观看，牢牢记住，确信记住后将那张纸撕掉。这样，他对那个人的印象就会更深了。

所有这些事都要费一定的功夫，但爱默生认为：“礼貌，是由小小的牺牲换来的。”

我们应注意名字中包含的魔力，明白这正是我们与之打交道的人所完全拥有的东西，而不是属于别人的。名字使人们与他人有所区别，在众人中与众不同。当我们记住某人的姓名后，我们传递给对方的信息就会非常重要了。从服务员到高级经理，如果记住了他们的名字，我们与之交往时就会收到奇效。

第三项规则：记住一个人的姓名，对他来说这是所有语言中最甜蜜、最重要的声音。

第4节 如何成为优秀的谈话家

最近，我参加了一次桥牌聚会。我不会打桥牌——恰好有一位美丽的女士也不会打桥牌。她知道我在罗维尔·托马斯从事无线电行业之前曾经担任过他的助理。当时，我去欧洲各地旅行，帮助他整理即将播出的旅行演讲。所以她说：“啊！卡耐基先生，你能不能将你所见过的名胜古迹告诉我？”

当我们在沙发上坐下的时候，她说她同她丈夫最近刚从非洲旅行回来。“非洲，”我说，“这可是一个非常有趣的地方！我总想去看看非洲，但我除了在阿尔及尔呆过24小时外，没有到过其他任何地方。告诉我，你是否到过野兽出没的国度？是吗？真是幸运极了！我太羡慕你了！请讲讲非洲的情况吧！”

这让她说了45分钟。她不再问我到过什么地方或看见过什么东西。她并不是想听我谈论我的旅行，她想要的，是一个认真的倾听者，她可以借此机会讲她到过的地方，以扩大她的自我感。

她很特殊吗？不。许多人都是这样的。

例如，我在纽约一位出版商举行的宴会上遇到了一位著名的植物学家。我以前从来没有和植物学家交谈过，我觉得他具有极强的吸引力。我真的坐在椅子边上，静静地听他介绍大麻、室内花园，甚至廉价马铃薯的惊人事实。我自己有一个室内小花园，他非常热情地告诉我如何解决我的问题。

我已经说过，我们这是在宴会中。还有十几位其他客人，但我违反了所有的礼节规矩，没有注意到其他人，而与这位植物学家谈了好几个小时。

到了深夜，我向众人告辞。这时这位植物学家转身面对主人，对我大加赞扬，说我是“最富激励性的人”，我在某方面这样，在某方面那样……他最后说我是一个“最有意思的谈话家”。

一个有意思的谈话家？我几乎没有说什么话。如果我不改变话题的话，我也说不出什么来，因为我对于植物学的知识就像对企鹅的解剖学一样全然无知。但是我做到了认真倾听。我专注地听着，因为我真的有了兴趣。他也察觉到了，这当然让他很高兴。这种倾听是我们对任何人的一种最高的恭维。伍德福德在《相爱的人》中写道：“很少有人能拒绝那种隐藏于专心倾听中的恭维。”而我却比专心致志还要更进一步。我这是“诚于嘉许，宽于称道”。

我告诉他，我已经得到了极其周到的款待和指导——我确实感到如此。我告诉他，我真的希望自己能有他的知识——我也确实希望如此。我还告诉他，我希望和他一起去田野漫步——我真的希望是这样。我还告诉他，我必须再见到他——我真的这样想。

就因为这样，我使他认为我是一个善于谈话的人。可是说实话，我不过是一个善于倾听的人，并鼓励他谈话而已。

成功的商业会谈的神奇秘诀是什么呢？根据前哈佛大学校长伊利亚特的观点，那就是：“成功的商业交往并没有什么神秘的……专心致志地倾听正在和你讲话的人，这是最重要的。没有别的东西会比这更使人开心的。”

这个道理很明显，是不是？你不必去哈佛大学读4年书才能领悟它。但是你和我也都知道，有的商人出重金租用豪华的店面做生意，橱窗的设计也很吸引人，他们还不惜投入巨资做广告，可是他们雇的却是那些不知道做倾听者的服务员——这些服务员甚至会打断顾客的谈话，反驳他们，激怒他们，有的甚至还将顾客赶出店去。

芝加哥市一家百货商场，由于员工不善倾听而差点儿失去了一位常客，这位顾客每年都要在这家商场消费几千美元。亨利塔·道格拉斯女士上了我们在芝加哥的课。她买了一件特价的衣服。可是买回家后注意到领子撕开了口，第二天她将衣服带回百货公司，要求售货员换货。可是售货员却不听她说话。“你买的是特价衣服。”售货员说，并指着墙上的标识说，“看，‘尾货概不退换。’如果你买了，就自己留着。你可以自己把领子缝好。”

“但这件衣服是坏的。”道格拉斯女士说。

“也一样，”售货员打断说，“尾货就是尾货。”

道格拉斯女士正要愤怒地离开，发誓再也不光顾这家商场了。这时市场部经理过来和她打招呼，他已认识她许多年了。道格拉斯女士讲了事情的经过。

这位经理认真地听了整个经过，检查了衣服，然后说：“特价品是尾货，所以我们在季度末会处理一些商品。但这并不是说卖劣等品。我们当然会修好或更换衣领，或者如果你愿意，你可以退款。”

多么不同的处理呀！如果那位经理不来倾听，商场将会永远失去一位长期客户。

喜欢挑剔的人，甚至最激烈的批评，也常常会在一个具有忍耐心和同情心的倾听者面前变得软化——当怒火万丈的寻衅者像一条大毒蛇张嘴咬人的时候，这位倾听者应当保持缄默。例如，纽约电话公司在几年前不得想办法去安抚一位曾凶言恶语咒骂客服代表的顾客。他可是真的咒骂。他简直有些歇斯底里，甚至威胁毁掉电话线路。他不仅拒绝支付某些不合理的费用，还写信给各家报纸，并多次向公众服务委员会投诉，好几次向法院起诉这家电话公司。

最后，电话公司派了一位经验最丰富的调解员去见这位暴怒的顾客。这位调解员只是静静地听着，听凭这位好辩的老先生大发牢骚。这位电话公司的调解员倾听着，不断说“是”，并同情他的冤屈。

“他继续毫无顾忌地说了将近3个小时，”这位调解员在我的班上叙述他的经历时说，“以后我又多次去他那里听他抱怨。我见过他4次，而在第四次访问结束时，我已经成为他正在创办的一个组织的主要会员了。他称之为‘电话用户权益保障协会’。我现在仍然是这个组织的会员。然而，据我所知，除了这位老先生之外，我是这个组织在这个世界上唯一的会员。

“每次拜访时，我都是倾听他谈话，并且赞同他的每一个观点。他从来没有遇到过电话公司的人像我这样和他谈话，这使得他变得几乎友善起来。我在第一次拜访中并没有提到见他的目的，在第二次、第三次也没有提到我的目的。但在第四次，我妥善处理了案件——老先生将所有的欠费都付清了，并使他自从与电话公司作对以来，第一次撤销了向公众服务委员会的投诉。”

显然，这位老先生自认为是在为公益而战，是在保护公众的权利不被无情地剥夺。但实际上他是在追求一种自重感。他先是通过挑剔和抱怨来得到这种自重感。但是，当他从电话公司的代表那里得到了自重感时，他那并不真实的冤屈立即化为乌有。

好几年前的一个早上，一位怒气冲冲的客户闯进了德第摩尔毛料公司——这家公司后来成了世界上服装行业最大的毛料供应公司——创始人德第摩尔先生的办公室。

“这个人欠我们公司15美元，”德第摩尔先生向我解释说。“尽管这位顾客不承认，但我们知道他错了。所以我们公司信用部坚持要他付款。他在收到我们信用部的几封信之后，穿戴整齐地来到芝加哥，怒气冲冲地闯进我的办公室，说他不但不会付那笔钱，而且今后再也不会订购德第摩尔公司任何货物。

“我耐心地听他说完一切。我好几次都想打断他，但我知道那只会弄僵，所以我就让他尽情发泄。当他最后怒气消尽，能够静下心来听别人的意见时，我平静地说：‘你到芝加哥来告诉我这件事，我得向你表示感谢。你已帮了我一个大忙，因为我们信用部如果使您不愉快的话，它也可能会让别的顾客不高兴，那可真是太糟了。你一定要相信我，我比你更想听到这件事。’

“他大概怎么也没有料到我会这样说。我想他可能还会有一点失望，因为他到芝加哥来，本来是想和我大干一番的，可是我却向他表示感谢，而不是和他争论。我明白地告诉他，我们要勾销那笔15美元的账，并忘掉这件事，因为他是一个很细心的人，而且只是涉及这一份账目，而我们的员工却要负责几千份账目，所以和我们的员工相比，他不大可能出错。

“我告诉他，我十分清楚他的感受；如果我处在他的位置，我也会和他的感受一样。由于他不想再买我们的产品了，于是我给他推荐了其他几家公司。

“以往他每次来芝加哥时，我们总是一同吃午餐，所以那天我照例请他吃午餐，他勉强答应了，但是当我们回到办公室的时候，他订了比以往更多的货物，然后平心静气地回去了。为了回报我们如此宽厚地对待他，他检查了他的账单，找到了一张他以前放错了地方的账单。于是，他给我们公司寄来了一张支票，并表达了他的歉意。

“后来，他的妻子生了一个男孩，他为他的儿子取名德第摩尔。他一直是我们公司的朋友和顾客，直到22年后去世。”

多年前，有一个贫困的荷兰移民少年，他每天都在放学后为一面包店擦窗户，好挣点钱养家。他家非常贫困，因此他每天都必须挎上一个篮子，去街上拾运煤车送煤时落在沟里的碎煤块。这个孩子名叫巴克，一生只在学校读过6年书，但他最后竟成为美国新闻界有史以来最成功的杂志编辑。他是怎么做的呢？说来话长，但关于他是如何开始的可以做个简单的介绍。他正是利用本章所提出的原则而走向成功的。

巴克13岁就离开了学校，去西联公司做了一名童工，但他从来都没有放弃过求学的念头。他开始自学。他平时不坐车，不吃午饭，最后用省下来的钱买了一部《美国名人传记大全》——然后他做了一件人们未曾听说过的事情。他读了这些名人传记后，开始给他们写信，请求得到他们童年时代的补充材料。他是一个善于倾听的人，他恳请这些名人谈论他们自己。他又给当时正在竞选总统的加飞大将写信，问他以前是否真的在一条运河上当过纤夫，加飞给他回了信。他还给格兰特将军写信，询问某一次战役的有关情况，格兰特将军为他画了一张地图，并邀请这位14岁的少年和他共进晚餐，和他谈了整整一晚上。

不久，这位西联公司的信童便和国内最著名的人通起信来：爱默生、温德勒·霍尔摩斯、朗费罗、林肯夫人、露易莎·奥尔科特、谢尔曼将军和杰弗逊·戴维斯。他不仅和这些著名人士通信，而且一到休息日或节假日就去拜访他们中的许多人，成了他们家中受欢迎的客人。这些经历使他培养出一种价值连城的自信心。这些著名人士激发了他的理想和志向，改变了他的人生。而所有这一切，让我再说一遍吧，都只是因为实行了我们在本章所讨论的原则而成为可能。

马可逊访问过几百位著名人物。他说许多人之所以不能给别人留下良好的印象，就是因为他们不注意倾听。“他们极其关心的是他们自己下面要说什么，他们从来都不会侧耳倾听……许多名人曾告诉我，和善于谈话者相比，他们更喜欢善于倾听者。但是，善于倾听的能力好像比任何其他能力都要少。”

不仅仅是重要人物愿意和善于倾听的人打交道，就连普通人也不例外。这正像《读者文摘》中曾说过的：“许多人去看医生，他们需要的不过是一个善于倾听的人。”

在美国内战最激烈的时候，林肯写信给在伊利诺伊州斯普林菲尔德镇的一位朋友，请他来华盛顿。林肯说他想和他探讨一些问题。这位老朋友到了白宫，于是林肯就关于解放黑奴是否合适这个问题，和他谈了好几个小时。林肯详细分析了赞成或反对这项措施的各种观点，又读了一些信件及报纸上的文章——其中有的谴责他不解放黑奴，但也有的谴责他要解放黑奴。谈论几个小时之后，林肯与这位老朋友握了握手，说了声“晚安”之后，就派人将他送回了伊利诺伊，竟然没有征求他的意见。所有的话都是林肯一个人说的，似乎这样才能使他平静下来。“谈完之后，他似乎稍稍感到舒适些。”这位老朋友说。林肯并不想要建议。林肯所需要的只是一位友善的、同情的倾听者，使他可以宣泄内心的苦闷——而这正是我们每个人在困难中都需要的；这也正是那些忿怒的顾客所需要的；不满意的雇员、伤感的朋友也都是这样。

如果你想知道如何让别人躲避你，在背后讥笑你，甚至轻视你，这里就有一个好方法，那就是永远不要长时间地倾听别人谈话，而是不断地谈论你自己；如果你在别人谈话过程中有了一个想法，大可不必等他说完，只要立即插嘴说你自己的事情，就可以让他住口。

你认识这种人吗？不幸得很，我认识；但最让人感到震惊的是，他们中一些人还是知名人士。

他们正是那种令人厌恶的人——被他们的自私及他们的自重感所麻醉了的、令人厌恶的人。

一心只谈自己的人只会为自己着想。而“只为自己着想的人，”哥伦比亚大学校长巴德勒博士说，“是无可救药的，也是不可教育的。”巴德勒博士说，“无论他接受过什么样的教育。”

所以，如果你希望成为一个善于谈话的人，就要做一个善于倾听的人。要使别人对你感兴趣，首先就要对别人感兴趣。不妨问问别人喜欢回答的问题，鼓励他们开口谈他们自己以及他们所取得的成就。

要记住，那个正在与你谈话的人对他自己、他的需要、他的问题比对你及你的问题感兴趣超过上百倍。一个人的牙痛对他来说，比中国死亡百万人的灾难还重要；一个人对自己脖子上一点儿痒痒的在意也要远远超过对非洲40次地震的关注。在你下次开始谈话的时候，请不要忘了这一点。

第四项规则：做一个善于倾听的人，鼓励别人谈论他们自己。

第5节 如何让别人对你感兴趣

每一个拜访过西奥多·罗斯福总统的人，都会对他那渊博的知识感到惊讶。不论是牧童还是骑士，或纽约的政客和外交家，罗斯福都知道该和他说些什么。那么，罗斯福又是如何做的呢？答案很简单——不论罗斯福要见什么人，他总是会在头天晚上晚些入睡，翻阅一些来访者会特别感兴趣的知识。

因为罗斯福和所有领袖人物一样，深知通达对方内心的妙方，就是和对方谈论他最感兴趣的事情。

散文家、耶鲁大学文学教授菲尔普斯先生是个非常和蔼的人，他在早年就学到了这个道理。

“我8岁那年，有一次去姑姑林斯莉家过周末，”菲利普在他一篇谈论人性的小品文中这样写道，“有一天晚上，一位中年人来访。在和姑姑随便聊了几句之后，他就把注意力转移到了我身上。当时我对船的兴趣正浓，而这位客人和我谈论了这方面的知识，令我产生了特殊的兴趣。他离开之后，我还对他赞赏不已。多么了不起啊！姑姑告诉我，他是纽约一位律师，本来他对有关船的事情是不应该如此热心的，甚至应该是毫无兴趣可言的。‘可是，他为什么自始至终都在谈论有关船的问题呢？’

“‘因为他是一位绅士。他见你对船很感兴趣，就谈论他认为能使你注意并高兴的话题。这使得他成为一个受欢迎的人。'”

菲尔普斯教授又补充说：“我永远也忘不了我姑姑的话。”

就在我写这章的时候，我面前放着一封查立夫先生的来信，他是一位热心于童子军事业的人。

“一天，我感到我需要帮助。”查立夫先生写道，“欧洲将举办童子军夏令营活动，我想邀请美国某家大公司的经理赞助一位童子军的旅行。幸运的是，在拜访他之前，我听说他曾开出了一张100万美元的支票。这张支票退回来后，他把它放在了镜框中。所以我进他办公室的第一件事就是请他给我展示那张支票。我告诉他，我这辈子从来都没有听说有人开过数额如此巨大的支票；我还要告诉我的童子军，说我的确看到过一张100万美元的支票。他愉快地把那张支票给我看。我赞叹不已，并请他把开这张支票的详细情况告诉我。”

请注意，查立夫先生在刚开始时并没有谈有关童子军或欧洲夏令营的事，也没有谈他想要对方帮助的事。他只是谈对方感兴趣的话题。下面就是结果：

“过了一会儿，我拜访的那位经理问我：‘哦，请问你来找我有什么事？’我就把我的事情告诉了他。

“令我吃惊的是，他不但立即答应了我的请求，还给了我更多的资助。我本来只请他赞助一名童子军去欧洲，可是他资助了5名童子军和我本人，给我开了一张1000美元的支票，并建议我们在欧洲玩上7个星期。然后，他又给我一封介绍信，把我引荐给他在欧洲分公司的经理，请他们到时候帮助我们，他又亲自去巴黎接我们，带领我们游览了这座城市。从此以后，他就经常为家庭贫困的童子军提供工作的机会，对我们童子军事业非常热心。

“但是我也很清楚，如果我当时没有找到他感兴趣的话题，让他高兴起来，那么我大概连1/10的机会都没有。”

这种方法在商业活动中也有价值吧？我们就举个例子，来看看纽约一家高级面包公司——杜弗诺公司的经理杜弗诺先生是怎样做的吧：

杜弗诺先生一直想把面包推销给纽约某家大饭店。连续4年，杜弗诺先生几乎每个星期都要去拜访这家饭店的经理，并且经常参加这位经理出席的各种社交聚会。为了促成这笔生意，他甚至在这家饭店租了一个房间住在那里。但是他仍未做成生意。

“后来，”杜弗诺先生说，“我研究了人际关系，决定改变策略。我决定找到这个人的兴趣所在，找出他最热衷的事业。

“我发现他是美国饭店业协会的会员。不仅如此，由于他在这方面的浓厚兴趣，使他被推举为这个组织的主席。每次只要开会或举行什么活动，他都会参加。

“于是，当我再次去拜访他的时候，我开始和他谈论饭店业协会的事情。你猜他怎么了？他的反应简直令人吃惊！他和我谈了半小时饭店业协会的事情，而且精神饱满，充满热情。我可以明确看出他不仅对饭店业协会的事情感兴趣，而且将自己的全部精力都投入在这上面。就在我离开他的办公室之前，他劝我加入了这个协会。

“在这次会谈中，我没有提有关面包的半个字。可是没过几天，我就接到他饭店主管人员的电话，让我把面包的货样和报价单送过去。

“‘我真不知道你对这老先生用了什么魔法，’这位主管人员对我说，‘他可是真的被你打动了！’

“试想一下！我和这位经理打了4年交道，一心想把面包卖给他。如果不是设法找到他感兴趣的事，了解他愿意讨论的问题，恐怕我现在还一无所获！”

谈论别人感兴趣的话题，双方都不会有损失。霍华德·赫齐兹是雇员通讯领域的领袖，他曾奉行着这项法则。当被问到从中有何受益时，他说他不仅从不同的人那里获益；而且每次与人谈话时，这种获益从整体上丰富了他的生活。

第五项规则：谈论别人感兴趣的话题。

第6节 如何使人马上喜欢你

有一次，我在纽约第33大街和第8大道交叉处的邮局排队，准备寄出一封挂号信。我注意到那位邮局员工对他的工作很不耐烦——秤信、取邮票、找零钱、开收据——这样年复一年的单调而重复的工作。于是我对自己说：“我一定要让那个人喜欢我。显然，要让他喜欢我，我必须说些让他高兴的话，不是关于我的，而是关于他的。”所以我问自己：“他有什么值得我真诚赞美的呢？”这个问题有时候可不好回答，尤其是对一个陌生人。但是这次却很巧，我很快就发现了一件值得赞美的东西。

就在他给我秤信的时候，我热情地对他说：“我真希望自己也有您这样一头好头发。”

他有些惊讶地抬起头来，脸上露出了欢欣的微笑。“不过现在没以前好了。”他很谦虚地说。我诚恳地对他说：“虽然它比以前稍减光泽，但还是那样好。”他显得非常高兴。于是我们愉快地谈了一会儿，最后他对我说：“有许多人羡慕我的头发。”

我敢打赌，他那天吃午饭的时候一定非常愉快；那天晚上他回家后一定会把这件事告诉他妻子；他甚至会对着镜子自夸：“这头发实在太漂亮了。”

有一次，我在某个公共场所讲到了这件事。一个人问我：“你想从他那里获得什么？”

我想从他那里获得什么！！！我想从他那里获得什么！！！

假如我们是这么自私，一心只想着得到回报，那我们就不会给人任何快乐，不会给人一点儿真诚的赞美——假如我们的气度如此小，那我们只会遭到应有的失败。

不错，我确实想从他那里得到某些东西，想得到某些难以用金钱衡量的东西，而我也得到了！我赞美了他，可是他对我却难以回报。你会在这件事情过去许久之后，仍在记忆中得到一种美妙如歌的体验。

在人类行为中，有一条至关重要的法则，如果我们遵守它，就会万事如意；实际上，如果我们遵守这条法则，将会得到无数朋友和无穷无尽的快乐。可是，如果我们违背这条法则，就会招致数不清的挫折。这条法则就是：“永远使对方获得自重感。”这正如杜威教授所说的，自重是人类天性中最强烈的欲望；也正如詹姆斯教授所说的：“在人类天性中，最深层的欲望就是渴望得到别人的重视。”我也曾指出，这种冲动正是我们区别于动物的特征，正是这种欲望才推动了人类文明的发展。

千百年来，哲学家们一直在思考人类关系的准则，终于悟出一种观念。这并不是什么新东西，它和历史一样古老。2500年前索罗亚斯特在波斯告诉过他的追随者，孔子也在2400多年前在中国提倡过，道家创始人老子也在函谷关这么说过，基督降生前500年佛陀在神圣的恒河边倡导过，1000多年前的印度教经典也这么教导。耶稣19世纪以前在犹大的石头山教导过，并将它概括成一句话——也许是世界上最重要的一句话：“你希望别人怎么待你，就先怎样待别人。”

你希望周围的人赞同你，希望自己的价值得到认同，希望在你的小圈子里得到重视；你不愿听到不值钱的卑贱的谄媚，但渴求得到真诚的赞美。你希望你的朋友和同事都能像施瓦伯所说的“诚于嘉许，宽于称道”——我们都希望这样。

那么，就让我们遵守这条黄金法则：你希望别人怎么待你，就先怎样待别人。

怎么做？什么时候做？在什么地方做？答案是：随时随地去做。

威斯康星州犹卡莱尔市的戴维·史密斯在我们一个班上讲了他的经历。当时他负责一个慈善音乐会的饮料摊，巧妙地处理了一次纠纷。

“音乐会那天晚上，我到了公园，发现两个大女孩相互敌视地站在饮料摊边上。显然她们都认为自己应该负责这一摊事。我站在那里想对策，这次活动发起组织的一位成员来了，给了我一个现金盒子，并谢谢我照料此事。她将那两个女孩——罗丝和简介绍给我，说是我助手，然后就走了。

“一阵沉寂之后，我发现那个现金盒子是一种权威象征，就把它给了罗丝，并说我整理不清那些钱，如果她能负责此事，我会很感谢她。然后我又告诉简，去教两个负责饮料机的十几岁的孩子如何操作，并让她负责那件事。

“那天晚上，罗丝快乐地数着钱，简看管那两个孩子，我则在享受那场音乐会。”

其实，你大可不必等自己当上大官之后，再去奉行这条赞美法则。你几乎每天都可以运用它产生奇迹。

例如，我们进餐馆时要了一份法式炸薯条，而女服务员却端给我们一盘薯泥，我们不妨说：“对不起，给你添麻烦了，但我更喜欢法式炸薯条。”她也许会说：“一点也不麻烦。”由于我们对她表示了尊敬，所以她会很高兴地给我们换炸薯条。

“对不起，给你添麻烦了”、“请你……”、“能不能……”、“谢谢”——这些细微平常的礼貌短语，就像是每天单调生活中的润滑剂，会给我们的生活平添几分色彩，同时也是我们优良品质的体现。

让我们再看另一个例子。霍尔·凯恩的小说《基督教徒》、《法官》、《男人岛的男人》是本世纪初最畅销的小说，有成千上万的人读过他的小说。凯恩是个铁匠的儿子，一生只上过8年学，但他去世时已成为他那个时代最富有的作家。

大概情况是这样的：由于凯恩酷爱十四行诗和叙事诗，所以他将大诗人罗斯迪所有的诗都读了一遍。他还写了一篇演说辞，歌颂罗斯迪在诗歌方面的艺术成就，并送了一份给罗斯迪本人。罗斯迪很高兴，“任何一个青年能对我的才华有如此高深的见解，”也许罗斯迪会说，“一定是个非常聪明的人。”于是，罗斯迪将凯恩请到伦敦的家中来担任自己的秘书。这可是凯恩人生的转折点——因为他凭借这一新的身份，接触了许多当代著名的文学家。他从他们那里接受有益的建议，并受到他们的鼓励和激发，开始了写作生涯，最终名闻世界。

凯恩的故乡英国曼岛的格里巴堡，现在已经成为世界各地旅游者的胜地。他留下来的财产高达几百万美元！可是，又有谁知道，如果他当初没有写那篇真诚赞美罗斯迪的演讲词，他或许会穷困潦倒地死去呢？

这就是发自内心地真诚赞美的力量，这是一种伟大的力量！

罗斯迪认为自己很重要，这并不奇怪——几乎每个人都认为自己很重要，非常非常重要。

有的人的人生仅仅因为某人使他获得了自重感而发生改变。罗纳尔德·罗兰是我们在加州的一位律师，也教美工课。他给我们写信，讲到了他的初级手工艺班一个学生克里斯的故事。

克里斯是个文静、害羞、缺乏自信的男孩，平静很少引人注意。

一个星期三，克里斯正在案头用功。我感到他内心深处有一股看不见的火焰。我问他是否喜欢进高级班。我多么希望能表达出他的表情呀！这个14岁的害羞男孩的表情太感人了！他努力控制住了泪水。

“是我吗？罗兰先生？我行吗？”

“是的，克里斯，你棒极了。”

我必须立即走开，因为我的眼泪快要出来了。

那天，克里斯走出教室，似乎长高了两英寸。他用那双明亮的蓝眼睛看着我，肯定地说：“谢谢你，罗兰先生。”

克里斯教了我永难忘怀的一课——我们对自重的渴望。为了不使自己忘记这条法则，我做了一条标语——“你是重要的！”这条标语挂在教室前面，每个人都能看见，并提醒我，我所面对的每个学生都是同等重要的。

一个不容否认的事实就是，凡是你遇见的人，都会觉得他们在某些方面比你强。巧妙地承认对方的重要性，并由衷地表达出来，就会使你得到他的友谊。

要记住爱默生的话：“凡是我所遇见的人都有比我优秀之处。在这方面，我正好可以向他学习。”

但可悲的是，那些无所作为却自以为很成功的人，整天都在用令人恶心的浮华夸饰之词来掩饰他们内心的不安。这种人正像莎士比亚所说的：“……人！狂傲的人！借着那么一点儿才能，竟然在上天面前胡作非为，骗得天使们都流下了眼泪。”

下面我要告诉你，我班上那些从事商业的学员应用这些法则而获得成功的故事。我先讲一位康涅狄格州律师的故事（由于他亲属方面的原因，他不想让别人知道他的姓名）。

R先生参加课程后不久，就和他妻子驾车去长岛看望她的亲戚。妻子将他留下来，陪同她年迈的姑妈聊天，而她自己则去看另几家亲戚。由于R先生要在班上做一次关于如何运用赞美法则的演讲，所以他打算从与这位老太太的谈话中获得宝贵体验。于是他在房子四周巡视了一番，希望能找到一些他可以真诚赞美的东西。

“这栋房子建于1890年前后，对吗？”他问。

“是的，”老太太回答说，“正是那一年建的。”

“它使我回想起我出生的老家的房子。”他说，“它真是太好了，真漂亮，里面真宽敞！您知道，人们现在再也不建这种房子了。”

“一点都不错，”老太太赞同道，“现在的年轻人可不怎么在乎漂亮的房子。他们所想要的不过是一套小公寓，然后开着汽车到处去兜风。”

“这是一所梦想之屋。”老太太的声音有些颤抖，陷入了回忆，“这房子是我和我丈夫爱情的结晶。我丈夫和我在建这栋房子之前，梦想了许多年。我们没有请建筑师，它完全是我们自己设计的。”

她领着R先生参观了房子。房子里放满了老太太在世界各地旅行时搜集到的纪念珍品：波斯披肩、英国老茶具、威格瓷器、法式寝具、意大利油画，以及曾风靡于法国封建王朝时期的装饰丝帷。R先生对这些东西表示了真诚的赞美。

领R先生参观完房子后，她又带他到车库去。那里放着一辆几乎全新的别克高级汽车。

“那辆车是我丈夫去世前不久为我买的。”老太太慢声细语地说，“他离我而去之后，我再也没有用过它……你很会欣赏美丽的东西，我准备把这辆车送给你。”

“哦，姑妈！”他说，“您太抬举我了。对于您这番盛情，我当然感激不尽。可是我不能接受它。我不是您的直系亲属，我也有一辆汽车，您的许多亲戚也很喜欢这辆别克车呢。”

“亲戚！”她大声喊道。“是的，我确实有亲戚。可是他们都正等着我死呢，这样他们就好得到我的车了。但他们谁也甭想得到它。”

“如果您不愿将它送给他们，您可以把它卖给旧车公司。”他告诉老太太。

“卖掉它！”老太太叫了起来。“你以为我想卖掉它吗？你以为我愿意让那些和我素不相识的陌生人坐在我丈夫给我买的车中，到处跑来跑去吗？年轻人，我做梦都不会卖的。我只想把它送给你，因为你是个懂得欣赏美丽东西的人。”

R先生尽力拒绝接受汽车，然而他最后不得不收下，因为拒绝只会使她更伤心。

这位老太太一个人孤独地住在这栋空荡荡的老房子里，伴随她的只有她的波斯披肩、法国古董以及她的回忆。她渴望赞美。她也曾经年轻而美丽，拥有许许多多的追求者。她曾经建起了温暖的爱巢，还从欧洲各国搜集到各种珍品来装饰它。可是现在，她已经老迈而孤独，她渴望得到一点人性的温暖，得到一点真诚的赞美——但没有人给她。现在R先生给了她这一切，她的心犹如久旱逢甘露，充满了感激，以至于即使将她珍爱的别克车送给他，也不能完全表达她的感激之情。

让我们再举一个例子。露易斯—维仑特公司总经理麦克马洪先生，是纽约市著名的园艺专家，他讲了下面这件事：

“我听了‘人性的弱点——如何赢得朋友并影响他人’的演讲之后不久，有一天我正在一位知名法官家中布置园林。主人出来向我提了几项建议，说他想在哪里栽一些杜鹃花。

“我说：‘法官先生，你有一个很好的业余爱好。我很羡慕你那几条狗，它们漂亮极了。我听说你获得了许多在麦迪逊广场公园举行的狗选美大赛蓝丝带奖。’

“这短短几句赞美，产生了惊人的效果！

“‘是的。’法官回答道，‘我确实对我的狗有着至爱。你愿不愿看看我的狗？’

“他花了近一个小时，让我看他的狗和这些狗所获得的各种奖项。他甚至为我讲解它们的血统如何影响狗的外貌和智慧。

“最后，他转过身问我：‘你有儿子吗？’

“‘是的，我有个儿子，先生。’我回答说。

“‘啊，那他想不想要只小狗呢？’法官又问我。

“‘当然，他一定会非常高兴的。’

“‘那太好了，我打算送他一只小狗。’法官大声说。

“他又开始教我怎样喂养小狗。然后，他又停了下来：‘我只是用嘴说，你会记不住的。我还是给你写下来吧。’于是他走进屋，打印好谱系以及喂养方法，又送给我一只价值几百美元的小狗，并和我共同度过了对他而言十分宝贵的1小时15分钟，这是因为我真诚地赞美了他的爱好和他所取得的成就。”

乔治·伊斯曼是著名的柯达公司的总经理，他发明了透明胶片，从而使活动电影变成了现实，他也因此而成为亿万富翁，成为全世界最著名的企业家之一。然而，尽管有如此大的成就，他仍然渴望得到别人的赞美，就像你和我一样。

例如，当伊斯曼在罗切斯特建造伊斯曼音乐学院和基尔伯恩大剧院时，纽约的优美座椅公司经理亚当斯想获得这些建筑物中的座椅业务。他给建筑师打了电话去罗切斯特拜访伊斯曼。

亚当斯抵达后，建筑师说：“我知道你想获得这笔订单。但我可以告诉你，如果你占用他的时间超过5分钟，就别指望得到这笔业务了。他是个很严厉的人，他很忙。所以你最好是长话短说，说完就出来。”

亚当斯准备照此去做。

当他被领进房间时，他看见伊斯曼正俯身看文件。过了片刻，伊斯曼抬起头来，摘下眼镜，走到建筑师和亚当斯跟前，说道：“两位好，请问有何指教？”

建筑师作了简单介绍之后，亚当斯说：“伊斯曼先生，当我们等候你的时候，我一直在欣赏你的办公室；如果我也有你这样的办公室，我也一定会很高兴在里面工作的。我干的是室内木工装潢，可是我一辈子还没有见过这么漂亮的办公室。”

伊斯曼说：“如果不是你提醒，我倒真的想不起这些了。这办公室是不是很漂亮？当初装好之后，我就非常喜欢它。可是我现在事务缠身，因此许久以来都没有注意到它。”

亚当斯走上前来，摸了摸壁板，说：“这是英国橡木，对吧？它与意大利橡木在质地上有点儿差异。”

“是的。”伊斯曼回答说，“那是进口的英国橡木。这是我一位对硬质木材很有研究的朋友特意为我挑选的。”

随后，伊斯曼带着亚当斯参观了整个办公室，还给他详细介绍了各种物品的大小比例、颜色、精细雕刻以及某些在他的参与下设计完成的装饰。

他们一边在办公室随意走动，一边欣赏木艺装饰，这时来到一扇窗户前停了下来。伊斯曼温和地说起了他正要捐赠的一些机构，如罗切斯特大学、公众医院、顺势治疗医院、慈善养老院、儿童医院。亚当斯巧妙地赞赏了他用自己创造的财富来解救人类疾苦的崇高行为。过了一会儿，伊斯曼打开一个上了锁的玻璃柜，取出了他所拥有的世界上第一架照相机，这是他从一个英国人那里买来的一件发明。

亚当斯又详细询问他早期艰苦创业的经过。伊斯曼先生充满感慨地讲了他幼年的贫困生活，说到他守寡的母亲出租房屋，而他则去一家保险公司当业务员。贫困的恐惧日夜纠缠着他，他决心赚到足够多的钱，让他母亲不再劳累。亚当斯静静地听着这些，听得着了迷。他又向伊斯曼问起试验胶片的经历。伊斯曼说，他整天都在试验室做各种试验，只有在化学药品进行反应的时候打个盹；有一次他竟连续工作72小时，由于劳累交加，他工作时就睡着了。

亚当斯在10点一刻进到伊斯曼的办公室，还被警告不要超过5分钟。可是一小时过去了、两小时过去了……他们还在继续交谈。

最后，伊斯曼转身对亚当斯说：“我上次在日本时买了几张椅子回来，放在我家的阳台上。但它们已被太阳晒脱油漆了，我就到街上去买了些油漆，亲自把它们给漆了一遍。你愿去我家看看我漆得怎么样吗？好了，就到我家来，和我一同吃午饭，看看我油漆的那几张椅子。

午饭之后，伊斯曼让亚当斯看了看他从日本买来的椅子。这些椅子值不了几个钱，但对于亿万富翁伊斯曼先生来说可是值得骄傲的事，因为他“亲自”油漆了这些椅子。

伊斯曼先生这次要订购的座椅价值9万美元。你猜谁得到了这笔生意？是亚当斯还是他的竞争对手？

从那以后，直到伊斯曼先生去世，他和亚当斯成了亲密朋友。

克劳德·马雷是法国劳恩市一家饭店主人，他应用这项法则挽留了一位重要员工。这位女子为他工作了5年，成为马雷先生和他21位员工的重要纽带。当他接到她的辞职信时，他很震惊。

马雷先生说：“我很吃惊，甚至更多的是失望，因为我觉得对她很平等，并满足了她的许多需求。她不仅是员工，还是朋友，所以我可能认为她做的是理所当然的，甚至对她的要求比其他员工更高。

“我当然不能接受不加解释的辞职。我把她叫到一边说：‘葆丽，你必须明白，我不能接受你的辞职。你对我和这个公司非常重要，你对它的成功和我一样重要。’我将这些话当着所有员工的面重复了一遍，又请她去我家，当着全家人说出了我对她的信任。

“葆丽撤回了辞呈，现在我又和以前一样可以倚重于她了。我会经常赞美她所做的一切，并向她表达她对我和饭店多么重要。”

“和人们谈论他们自己，”狄斯累利说（他是曾统治大英帝国的最聪明人士之一）,“和人们谈论他们自己，他们就会听上几个小时。”

第六项法则：让别人感到自己重要——并真诚地照此去做。